It is often said that farmers get divorced more often
than they change banks. In that respect, I'm not your typical
farmer - no one ties a free spirit like me to a bank that easily.
While I've been married to the same woman for 16 years, over the
same period I've flirted with more banks than Alistair Darling has
had to rescue over the past few months.
But, as the financial crisis deepens, I am getting the unsettled
feeling that I'm going to have to be a lot more considerate towards
my financial backers in future. If the current trend continues, by
the end of this year UK farmers will have over £10bn borrowed for
the first time - just as bank liquidity has hit the biggest crisis
in living memory. In other words, UK farmers' relationship with
their lenders has never been more important or loaded with
potential difficulty.
For me, this is not good news because I have always prided
myself on treating bank managers with disdain. Over the years, I've
had great sport playing one off against another. The moment one
flashed me a lower borrowing rate, I was off quicker than you could
say "APR". The minute I was shown a coy introductory "first six
months with no transaction fees" offer, I'd switch to a new lender
without a second thought for the scorned "bowler-hatted-bookmaker"
I'd left behind.
But now it looks horribly like I'm going to have to moderate
this roving jack-the-lad behaviour. Although it breaks the habit of
a farming lifetime, and runs against the grain, the ghastly
prospect of bank monogamy is staring me in the face. As they become
less numerous through takeovers, amalgamation or even part state
ownership, banks are also likely to become more choosy about whom
they'll lend to. With their own liquidity in such crisis, they'll
demand a return to trusting, long-standing, open business
relationships. My "love-'em-and-leave-'em" approach looks
completely out of tune with these conservative times.
Our austere son of a Presbyterian minister Prime Minister is
hardly helping matters. Confound him, but Gordon Brown will keep
going on about "responsible entrepreneurship", "upholding values
which the market alone cannot generate", "good society" and even
"the morals that markets need". With him setting such a prudish
tone, how am I going to be able to swagger into a bank, flaunt my
net assets around, and be confident that I'll be given everything I
ask for in the way of a borrowing facility? The PM needs to pipe
down with his tedious notions that "trust can only be built by
shared values" and that responsible lending must not "cross the
line". The man's seriously starting to cramp my style.
My overdraft is soon up for review and, like a lot of farmers,
my limit may have to be increased. Like the financial Casanova that
I am, I'm not looking forward to the discussion. I've the sneaking
feeling that, over the usual coffee and biscuits, I'm not going to
be able to use my easy charm to avoid being tied down to a
long-term loan commitment rather than the free-and-easy overdraft
that I prefer.
This year I won't be able to throw a tantrum and threaten to go
elsewhere - there is no "elsewhere". Instead, whatever financial
vow I'm invited to sign up to, I'll have to smile through gritted
teeth and declare my everlasting loyalty and long-term commitment
to my much-loved bank. How romantic.