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Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

Last post Mon, Apr 28 2008 15:02 by townie. 35 replies.
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  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 13:35

    • Jacobus
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    Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    There's no doubt about it, those Filipinos and Bangladeshis who have had a hard day queueing up for their rice rations will be able to sleep easier in their beds tonight, secure in the knowledge that Flash Gordon has been holding a 'summit' at Number 10 with the supermarket bosses and Peter Kendall. 

    Fresh from a triumphant visit to the USA, where he took care to avoid confusion with another contemporaneous visitor by not wearing white and by not being chauffeured around in a gas guzzling 'Flash Mobile',  Gordon feels that he is at the height of his powers. 

    Look how his last budget 'simplified' the tax system by abolishing the lower rate band and forcing lower income families to pay more tax and apply to join the benefit culture to claim it back in tax credits - too bad about the 5.3 million workers who don't qualify!  He only has to think back to last March when the Labour MPs cheered him in the House to realise what a master he was of the Treasury job.  Now he has the top spot, the whole world will marvel at his decisive and innovative approach to these problems.

    Just look at Northern Rock - what a masterly handling of the 'banking crisis' to have come to the decision to nationalise the bank after only three months of dithering and now he has extended help to those unfortunate needy who need to re-mortgage, having borrowed six times their income against 140% of their property value by letting we poor taxpayers guarantee the worth of the banks' lending follies.

    Anyway - enough of the praise of our glorious leader, the summit will obviously produce some interesting and innovative ideas on how to solve the crisis, even if no-one can decide what the crisis actually is.. Is it that there is too little food to go round, or is it that it is too expensive for poor people to buy?

    Here's my guess at what the options might be:

    Gordon's wish list - Food is too expensive and as it is not my chums in the Private Equity companies which are making the profits but the undeserving farmers and landowners we must take steps to stop it at once.  I propose that with effect from midnight tonight, all farm land in the UK will be nationalised and held in trust by Northern Rock.  All agricultural businesses will be compulsorily purchased and will be managed by the expert hands of DEFRA.   We will encourage our European colleagues to take similar action.  To help the fair distribution of food to the needy public, the Single Farm payment will be subject to 100% modulation and grants awarded to deserving supermarkets to open up further branches.

    Supermarkets wish list - Food is too cheap and it is quite unreasonable to expect retailers to continue a pile it high sell it cheap ethos in the face of the needs of starving Africans.  We would like to see the abolition of the laws regarding cartels so that we can agree amongst ourselves a fair price for produce.  We would like to reduce consumption whilst maintaining income with such special offers as By One Get Another for Double.  We think that there should be alterations to labelling to encourage consumers to 'eat it all up, there's a child in Africa would be grateful for that'.  We would also like a change in the law to ensure that we could stop wastage by abolishing 'sell by' and 'use by' dates.  Let's make it clear that food safety is the responsibility of the eater not the vendor!

    NFU wish list - Food s too expensive to produce in the UK so we should aim to help reduce the cost and administrative burden on farmers and growers.  We would hope that the government would recognise this by minimising the bureaucracy and unnecessary costs imposed on the industry.  Firstly 'red' diesel should have all duties removed and farmers and their extended families should be allowed to use it in any 4x4, which incidentally should have to pay no road tax.  Such restrictive practises as the Nitrates Directive should be abolished immediately and the overburdening animal identification systems which mean they are more traceable than terrorists, should be abolished forthwith.  All environmental restrictions involved in SFP regulation should be lifted immediately and those inspectors involved in monitoring could be re-deployed to advise farmers how they could get extra production by ripping up hedges etc..

    Anyone have other suggestions?

  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 13:50 In reply to

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    My suggestion...

    that everyone reads this. Very funny! Big Smile

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  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 14:21 In reply to

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    It is only funny until you realize that Jacobus understands how people in government think, and his post might not be that far off what the government proposes. 

  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 16:27 In reply to

    • flash jacques
    • Top 50 Contributor
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    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

     

    Luckily you are in Europe so some of your current government ideas will no doubt be modulated!

    Phew, that was close.

    Bon courage, looks like you may need it.

    JC.

    Wink 

     

     

     

    The future is unwritten
  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 17:26 In reply to

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    Bit late now, i have just worked out i do not have to produce anything to get the single farm payment.

    so cheerio to the loss making sucklers and sheep, hello to oats and hay for all my new horsey  neighbours recently moved from the city.

    Oh!, and thank you Gordon for the nice tax rebate 

  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 18:16 In reply to

    • tarquin
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    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    Jacobus:

    Gordon's wish list - I propose that with effect from midnight tonight, all farm land in the UK will be nationalised and held in trust by Northern Rock. 

    Excellent i will have done my 37.5 hours by wednesday lunchtime. will gordon be sending someone in to do wednesday afternoon and thursday to sunday?

    Jacobus:

    To help the fair distribution of food to the needy public, the Single Farm payment will be subject to 100% modulation

    i recon 200% will be nearer!

  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 19:41 In reply to

    • He his-self
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    • North East Scotland

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    Jacobus the old political maxim of "In defeat malice, in victory revenge!" applies here. As we do not put politicians responsible for monumental errors heads on spikes any more we should do the next best thing. Can I nominate you to be the one to ritually burn Margaret Beckett's caravan.Devil

     

    After that token of contrition from the government I have decided to ask for 2 V8td Range Rovers (or cash equivalent) to consider (only consider mind) increasing production.

    Stravaigin Aboot.
  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 20:49 In reply to

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    Jacobus,If they are so benevolent and do Nationalise the Farms they might have some money from the first years Harvest to pay for the Shares they stole from Northern Rock.They would have to pay Farmers as Civil Servants plus Pension, Oh how those Socialists would cry in their Milk [sorry bad Pun there] and we could all watch as yields fell and costs rose year on year.

  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 21:11 In reply to

    • Jacobus
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    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    He his-self:
    Can I nominate you to be the one to ritually burn Margaret Beckett's caravan.

    I think burning is a bit tame - I would like to donate it to Messrs Clarkson, Hammond and May to devise a more spectacular fate.  How about an experiment to see how much CO2 your Range Rovers could create in the time it took the Beckett home-from-home to freefall from a Hercules at 20,000feet?
  • Tue, Apr 22 2008 22:38 In reply to

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    tarquin:

    Excellent i will have done my 37.5 hours by wednesday lunchtime. will gordon be sending someone in to do wednesday afternoon and thursday to sunday?

    Bring it on, no more nights out with cows calving either, it will be the night shifts job

  • Wed, Apr 23 2008 9:46 In reply to

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    Here's whqt was actually agreed at the meeting which had more of an international dimension, than domestic. Here in the UK the main points seem to be there there will be a review on our use/stragety for biofuels and they are also pumping in some money into agricultural research in order to boost yields. Of course, there is also a line about reviewing the CAP which is costing British consumers £3.5 bn through higher prices tec

     

    The UK's support of biofuel production will be carefully examined in light of its impact on worldwide food production.

    A joint statement released at the close of yesterday's meeting of leading experts, scientists, food producers and retailers said that the use of biofuels would be more selectively supported in the future. 

    If the review shows that a change of approach is needed, the UK will push for change in EU biofuels targets.

    The meeting in the Cabinet Room inside 10 Downing Street addressed the short and longer-term factors causing increased food prices at home and abroad and possible policy solutions.

    The attendees agreed to work towards an international strategy through the G8 and world trade discussions, and continue to support the world's poorest people. Domestic price rises must also be tackled, they said.

    Update on Downing Street Food Prices Summit

    The Prime Minister, Alistair Darling, Douglas Alexander and Hilary Benn today hosted a meeting of leading experts, scientists, food producers and retailers to address the growing world food crisis. The meeting addressed the short and longer-term factors causing increased food prices at home and abroad and possible policy solutions.

    Among the issues that were discussed were:

    1. We will work in the G8 for an international strategy. An international strategy will need to include: more and better support for agricultural and rural development in the poorest countries; more and better research into methods for increasing yields and productivity; a review of the wider economic and environmental impacts of biofuel production; commitment to increase social protection programmes which take people out of long-term dependency on food aid; consideration on how to maximise the effectiveness of IMF and World Bank support; and reform of relevant international institutions.

    2. We will increase support to the poorest. In addition to the £50m per year we already spend on social protection and safety net programmes in Africa, the UK has today pledged an extra £30m to support the World Food Programme, and extra £25m to Ethiopia for their national safety net programme. We will work to encourage other donors to make additional humanitarian assistance available and monitor the need to step up support.

    3. We will work together to address domestic price rises. The Government has called on consumer groups, food producers, manufacturers and retailers to consider how we can collectively meet the challenges posed by the global food crisis.

    4. We will increase research into improving yields. The UK has today announced new funds for agricultural research over the next five years. This will be critical if agricultural production is to keep pace with increased demands for food.

    5. We will work to achieve a successful WTO deal, including a substantial 'aid for trade' package to help build the trading capacity of the poorest countries. The WTO round offers a major opportunity to increase trade flows in agricultural (and other) goods, particularly for developing countries. We want a WTO deal which reduces significantly reduces agricultural tariffs and trade distorting subsidies. High transport costs also push up local food prices and restrict trade in Africa.

    6. We will work within the EU to further reform the EU's Common Agricultural Policy (CAP), through the CAP Health check and the EU budget review. It is estimated that the CAP costs UK consumers £3.5 bn (2005) through higher prices. Reductions in EU agricultural tariffs and CAP reform would reduce the cost of food to EU consumers and increase the capacity of developing countries to produce and export agricultural commodities.

    7. We will review our approach to biofuels. We need to look closely at the impact on food prices and the environment of different production methods and to ensure we are more selective in our support. If our UK review shows that we need to change our approach, we will also push for change in EU biofuels targets.

    Attendees

    • Prime Minister
    • Rt Hon Douglas Alexander MP, Secretary of State for International Development
    • Rt Hon Alistair Darling
    • Rt Hon Hilary Benn MP, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
    • Rt Hon Malcolm Bruce MP
    • Prof John Beddington Chief Scientist
    • Phil Bloomer, Oxfam
    • Dr Mike Bushell, Syngenta
    • Paul Collier, Oxford University
    • Professor Ian Crute, Rothamsted Research Institute
    • Jaqcues Diouf, Food and Agricultural Organisation, UN
    • Andrew Dorward, School of Oriental and African Studies
    • Lawrence Haddad, Institute of Development Studies
    • Paul Hodson, European Commission Transport & Energy
    • Donal Kaberuka, African Development Bank
    • Reijo Kemppinen, Head of Mission, EC Rep of the UK
    • Peter Kendall, National Farmers Union
    • Justin King, Sainsbury's
    • Simon Maxwell, ODI
    • Jill Johnstone, National Consumer Council
    • David Mepham, Save the Children
    • Kanayo Felix Nwanze, Vice President - IFAD
    • Ruth Rawling, Cargill plc
    • Josette Sheeran, World Food Programme
    • Stefan Tangermann, OECD Trade & Agriculture Directorate
    • Goran Trapp, Morgan Stanley
    • Joachim von Braun, Director General IFPRI Inter Food Policy Institute Research
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  • Wed, Apr 23 2008 12:30 In reply to

    • flash jacques
    • Top 50 Contributor
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    • E of Brittany, S of Normandie

    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

     

    Sounds like enough hot air to keep someone warm next winter.

    Sufficient U turns to satisfy Sebastien Loeb's fans.

    Does anyone really think they can make any difference?

    How about encouraging young scientists to get a decent education by providing good facilities, free tuition and a bit of recognition at the end of their studies.

    Million times more effective than all their tripe they continue to spout at us.

    Bon courage,

    JC. 

    The future is unwritten
  • Wed, Apr 23 2008 13:59 In reply to

    • cavey
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    Re: Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe - World 'Food Crisis' solved?

    Before Christmas the politicians and poverty experts were saying that food prices needed to improve for poor third world farmers so that they could improve food production, the prices are improving so whats the problem?

    Did the clever fools not realise that it would have to lead to increased food prices for consumers. Were they never taught about economics.

    Or is it as my grandfather used to say about University educated people,

    Tha Knows owt bout nowt,and nowt bout owt

  • Wed, Apr 23 2008 21:45 In reply to