I was in Norfolk for supper (I daren't call it dinner any more after the debate that it sparked among our Northern readership) last night with Toby and Teresa Mermagen. I was on the Worshipful Company of Farmers thing (which I'm always going on about) with Toby a few years ago. Toby is a real star and I make far too little effort to catch up with him considering how close by he is. If you have ever eaten Walkers crisps, there's a good chance that he grew the potatoes. (Hey don't leave that green one, it won't hurt you)
I was telling Teresa about my recent photographic assignments and bemoaning the fact that I'm always getting asked to squat down in fields of flowers by photographers. I think that I've grissled here before that if future generations look back at photos of me, they will think that I spent most of my life squatting down.
Teresa starting laughing and grabbed a collage that was hanging up by their Aga. (Can you imagine one of those gorgeous, homely, farmhouse kitchens with children's paintings and things around it - yeh, like that) This collage was a sort of montage that had been made by a friend of theirs and it consisted entirely of farmers squatting in crops. It had the title "Men Squatting In Fields, 2002." The creator worked in advertising and was tickled pink by our convention (or cliche) of farmers always being photographed in the squatting position. He thinks we are an industry of squatters.
I recognised quite a few squattees in the collage; Ian P and Mike Tucker from Yara were mixed in there. I'm not convinced that any farmer has ever asked to be photographed in this way. It's pretty bloody undignified. Short of dropping your trousers around your ankles, it's hard to think how you could make the image much worse.
You don't see the Chancellor of the Exchequer squatting down to deliver the Budget. The Queen doesn't squat down to open Parliament. Would Alan Sugar seem so "big" if he had to squat down before he did his whole "You're Fired" schtick?
The FW will have gone to print for this week. I dare bet you that there will be at least three people having a little squat in there on Friday. Count them.
Join with me for the CAMPAIGN TO END THE SQUATTING.
Funnily enough, I was actually talking about this with Mr Arable, Paul Spackman, this weekend. He was complaining that there's not a lot you can do picture-wise with arable farmers, seeing as whatever they're talking about is usually on the floor.
I know there are squatting pictures in this week's issue, but most of these are from the Young Farmers convention, and I'm pretty sure they're only pictured like that because alcohol has taken away the full use of their legs...
I'll count them on Friday morning. I have been photographed for the local weekly in that position. Mind you, I don't think we will ever see David Richardson squatting.
Thanks for nothing Mike Potter. I've done plenty of squatting in my time. Most of it for people like you, although sometimes even as Matt described (trousers round ankles etc) first being careful to make sure there were no photographers in the area. These days I prefer a more dignified stance as befits my portly (but very distiguished, don't you think) frame. The other reason is that squatting isn't so easy when it involves ageing knees. So, yes, I shall leave it to you young people in future. And I'll thank you all for not being so cheeky to a senior citizen!
I'm going to stand up for squatters - pardon the pun. One of the best bits of the arable section is the weekly squatter versus stander count. This week is not vintage, I have to say, but there are two fine examples of the squat with a wildcard bender thrown in on(p47). Excellent! Keep on squatting.
I love the squatting position - mainly because the last time i was photographed for the paper, i was in my smart country clothing and the photographer made me pose on a seat (not like that) - basically, i looked like a poof and loads of friends and family seen it!!!
reply from Matthew: The camera never lies, Matty. Nice use of the word "poof" too - I forgot that you still have homophobia up North.
David, sorry if you think I was being cheeky! I know just what you mean - I now have a bus pass and a winter heating allowance myself! Yes, I think your frame is very distinguished. I'm getting a bit that way myself.
Keep up the column. I miss the regular contribution in FW from my next door neighbour Kevin Littleboy. We don't share a political viewpoint, but he was always entertaining.
reply from Matthew: Wow, this is turning into a social networking site for senior members of the industry - it's like a Farmers Derby and Joan.
Very worried looking squatter on Page 2 of today's Independent, Matthew.
I blame our photographers. Even when I suggest they might like to try something different, the first words invariably are: "like what!", and they've got a point.
Still Barry has taken to getting people to lying down now (see recent front cover pic of Will Martin - NFU sugar chairman). That's fine and dandy when it is dry, but what happens when it is chucking it down with rain...