Check out the time of this entry. This is too early for this sort of thing.
A few weeks ago it was light at this time of day but now it is as black as your hat out there (That's just a saying. I'm guessing that you don't actually wear a black hat. You do? A black beret? Are you Frank Spencer?).
Anyway, back at the point. I was woken at 5.30 by a slamming door downstairs and the sound of a van speeding off. I had a sudden recollection that I hadn't locked the back door. I have pretty much lived on my own for over a decade and have never had to do that "creeping downstairs to confront an intruder" thing before. How exciting.
I caught a glimpse of the Renault van speeding out of the village, actually it was a camper van. With no concern for my safety, I crept downstairs. I'm not trying to build up any suspense here, there was no one there in the end. (I'm no Hitchcock, am I?) I don't want you getting unnecessarily anxious that I got clobbered on the coconut with a chair leg - that didn't happen. There is a little tale anyway.
As I flicked the kettle on, I realised what I looked like. I was wearing a vibrant stripy T shirt and some tartan pyjama bottoms with a gaping fly. I was bleary-eyed and my hair was all over the place. If I had walked into a room and come face to face with an actual burglar, I'm not sure if he (or she, I don't want to be sexist) or I would have been more terrified of what we saw. Not that I'm suggesting that it would have been the gaping fly alone that would have terrified them; nature didn't equip me with any natural advantages for this sort of confrontation.
It set me thinking how I woud behave if I was ever required to be heroic. I would almost certainly be inappropriately dressed, that is my trademark. (Remind me sometime to tell you about when I went to a football dinner in the wrong outfit.) I'm useless in a confrontational situation. I would have probably ended up helping the villain to load my dining room table into the van.
Ironically I had locked the back door (in case my insurance broker is reading this and fancies doubling my premium).
So that's why I'm awake this ealy on a Saturday. You can tell from the deviations on here that my brain is now revving too hard for me to have any chance of getting back to sleep. I won't go into work until 7.00 so I might have a look at the papers and write another entry for you while I have my coffee.
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