October 2008 Archives

I had all the jabs and innoculations that I needed for the trip to Africa yesterday.  There are quite a few and so at the moment I am micro-suffering from a range of tropical diseases.

I assume this is why I am unable to sleep, anyway.  This may be pyschosomatic, I've got a cold and plenty of other things to think about too.  My arm hurts if I lie on it.

I don't get too bothered about injections generally.  If my court summons (for talking on my mobile while driving - I was bloomin unlucky, the car kit had stopped working that day) ends in the death penalty, I will definitely opt for lethal injection.  Assuming there is a choice, judging by the state of the nation's finances, I guess that they will want me working for a bit longer yet.  I hope it's not a fine of £1600 trillion.

OK, I'm finally ready to tell you about some of things that have been happening.  We can start with Clarence.  No, let's start with the conference call.  Clarence later.

I've sat on a committee or two over the last fifteen years.  You've heard the old adage about committees - they keep minutes but waste hours - and it's kind of true.  There's always some boring old fart who says the same thing every time.  Sometimes it's me, I'm pretty boring in the flesh.  This is why I'm not on many committees now.

Anyway.  I have a little involvement with the Africa100 appeal which the NFU are running to commemorate their 100th anniversary.  We held a conference call today which was a very exciting and effective use of time.

I really don't think that farming committees use this technology half enough.  Video conferencing on Skype is even better.  I know that some older farmers like the ride out and the social aspect but surely it's better to do this stuff as quickly and simply as possible.  At least phone conferencing saves going home, showering, cleaning your ears with a cotton bud and putting on another clean shirt.  It's an eco solution.

The timing of the Africa100 appeal is unfortunate.  It was conceived when prices were high and the crops looked good.  We all know what has happened in the meantime for UK farmers.  None of this has changed the situation in East Africa, however, and we will make a success of the appeal even if we have to wait for UK farm profitability to improve a bit. 

We are not as unlucky as the charity  Children with Leukemia.  They have only gone and picked Jonathan "$%&£ you, Manuel" Ross to front their Christmas fund raising campaign.  Their mail shots from him have been falling through letterboxes this week just as the controversy was peaking.

Even if you get everything just right, fundraising, like business, still requires a little luck. 

I've learnt that having a busy diary is no guarantee of an interesting blog post.  The opposite is often true.  The old brain is still a wobbly waste of space at the moment and I'm not yet in the right frame of mind for writing.  I did manage to squeeze a magazine column out for Friday but I took it right to the wire before I could think of anything.

I'm back from a quick trip into London at the start of the week for a few meetings and the FW Awards (v good); I will tell you about all that at the end of the week when I should be a bit more coherent.

I'm having my vaccinations in the morning for a trip to Kenya.  This is all happening at short notice so you will need a bit of info about that too.

Plus you haven't seen a deformed potato for ages, you poor soul.  Bear with me, normal service resumes very soon.

In between potato harvesting, flower cropping and cultivations, we are trying to finalise our cropping plans for next year and agree prices with our customers.

Yesterday I had a meeting to negotiate a price with a long-standing sparring partner.  We both love trading - we are Cockney barrow boys at heart - and we both want to end up thinking that we've won.  Yesterday was harder because there was very little room for either of us to move; the halfway point between our current prices is profitable for neither of us. We are meeting again later in the week, there is a lot at stake and once we agree a price we don't go back on it.

If I was a retailer I would be seriously concerned how little profit there is in the supply chain.  They will have all sorts of availability problems in the next 3 years.

Anyway.  The funniest bit was when we tried to agree on a time for the meeting.  He started with 3.00pm, I asked for 4.00pm.  He offered 3.30pm but I stood firm.  He offered to split the difference with me and go at 3.45pm which I accepted and we shook on it.

When I'm at home, I tend to have the radio on all the time.  Usually it's R4 and I drift in an out of concentrating to what is being said as I am doing things around the house.

I have just been listening to a piece on Broadcasting House which explained a theory that the plot to the Wizard of Oz is a metaphor for the political situation in America at the time.  The characters were allegorical, representing the hardships faced by different sectors of society, particularly rural ones. 

Reversing the syllables of Dor-o-thy gives you The-o-dore and she, the broadcast suggested, was a symbol of Roosevelt and his quest to find find a better future for the people of America.  The cyclone was symbolic of the political and industrial revolution which changed society creating the meritocracy we know now.  I'm paraphrasing (and projecting my own opinions a bit as I warm to the theme)

The Tinman represented the dehumanised industrial worker, the scarecrow (you'll love this bit) was the agricultural community; his search for a brain was an implication that the industry needed to become smarter. 

I'm not sure if this was the intention of Baum when he wrote it but I love the themes of self-discovery, empowerment and working with those around you.  It just seemed relevant to our present situation.  Agriculture has never properly understood the implications and transforming nature of the industrial revolution.  We are still trying to grapple with building a fair and just capitalist society.  I'm not sure if watching the Wizard of Oz will help but it might do as much good as watching Newsnight or reading ft.com.

Honestly, I'm not purposefully trying to bore you with this.  I am already asking a lot with the potato stuff.  I appreciate that I am probably in a small minority having a deep love of economics AND the Wizard of Oz.  Hey ho, blogs are meant to be esoteric and self-indulgent aren't they?  Aren't they?  Hello, is there anyone still there?

I know what you are thinking.  "Crikey, doesn't that potato look just like an electronic meteorological measuring device?"

Calm down, you potato-obsessed fool.  It isn't even a potato.  Today's comedy potato has yet to be retrieved from the waste bin, washed, photographed and blogged.

What you see here is ACTUALLY an electronic meteorological measuring device.  Sunday (and I apologise now for not telling you about this sooner) was a day of things crashing out of the sky.  I went for dinner at a friend's house and this little beauty crash landed into her garden.  Imagine if that thing hit you on the coconut as you were going about your business.I think that it was formerly fastened to a helium balloon.  Not sure what it was measuring.  I hope it doesn't contain a microphone; it's been sitting on my desk since Monday and I've been swearing like a Northerner all week. 

My friend, Lindsay, had a hot air balloon land in field on daffodils on their farm also on Sunday.  We had this happen once.  They made a right old mess in the crop and this pair of Hoorrahs jumped out and behaved as though their arrival was a special privilege for us.  

Things are getting desperate for a balloonist if he/she reaches Moulton Marsh.  They are just a gust away from the sea marsh here and two gusts away from landing in the drink.

So there we go, a boring story, boringly-related.  Trust me, we will have finished potato lifting in a week and I will be a different man.     

I'm sorry I've kept you waiting for these.  Bloomin' hell, it's been busy.  Anyway down to business

In the trade, this beauty would be referred to as a CRACKED UN.  I guess that you could call it a "SMILER" instead although I'm pretty sure that no one ever has.  Most farmers would hold it upside down so that it looks miserable.

By coincidence I was a guest at a business awards ceremony organised by our local newspaper on Thursday.  One of the categories was for the salesperson in Spalding with the smiliest face (this is not hotly-contested in Spalding let me tell you).  This is a competition for humans rather than potatoes else I might have entered my spud.  Well I assume it's not for potatoes - there were certainly no potatoes in the final shortlist....Well. I say that.   

I was there as a guest of Bettaland.  They won their category and it was a really good night.  It is great being associated with winners although we were magnanimous to the runners up, or LOSERS as they are otherwise known.  I recently learnt (from an eight year old) the sign that you give to losers.  It is thus.

Anyway.  I managed to resist the urge to put this new found knowledge into action.

This is the second time in a week that I've had my dinner suit on.  Judging by a receipt in the pocket it hasn't been dry cleaned for a year so the airing won't have done it any harm.  It's given good service so I reckon I might have to buy a new one before the Farmers Weekly beano in London at the end of the month. 

Oh about these business awards; I forgot to tell you.  The funniest bit was one of the finalists in the "Best Smile" category.  He was a really serious-looking doctor and they put a massive picture of him up behind the stage.  He had THE. MOST. MISERABLE. FACE. I. HAVE. EVER. SEEN.  It was a "I'm sorry, Sir, the prognosis is not very good" face.  Goodness only knows who nominated him.  It shows what a dearth of smileage there is around here. 

Sorry, no deformed potato today, I have been down in Windsor for a meeting today.  There will be two tomorrow as a special Friday treat.

I don't know about you but for me t here's nothing quite like watching a man paddling down the river in a pumpkin.

WHAT?  You want more of this?  OK

I thought that today's MIS-SHAPEN POTATO OF THE DAY looked a bit like a snail.  What do you mean, it looks nothing like a snail?  Who asked you anyway?  Use your imagination.

The official Lincolnshire name for a potato with a protrusion like this is a DOLLY.  Or DOLLIED'UN, if you prefer.

Obviously there's another deformed potato on the way later today but for now I'm struggling to function from worrying about the collapse of the Western World's finances.  You're going to have to hear about this one, I'm afraid.

I suspect that when I am an old man, children will say,

"What was it like in the Great Crunch of 2009, Uncle Matthew?"

"Tough," I'll say.  "I had to eat my last pair of shoes in a pie."

I suspect that next year we will start to find out which of us are the Crunchers and which are the Crunchees.  We will know who has crunched and who has been crunched against.

I've got a nasty feeling that when investors go to withdraw their money, they will find out that it has been lent, spent and lost.  When borrowers seek to renew their overdraft facility, they will realise that last orders has been called and the shutters are down on the bar. 

I don't know if I would rather be a Cruncher or a Crunchee.  Is it actually better to have money in the bank or debt if interest rates are awful and inflation is high?  You will remember that I was also worrying about this last year after that dream about David Hasselhoff in an out of control lorry on Moulton Common. 

I am potentially (if modestly) exposed to some of the unfolding problems but I don't know how to respond appropriately.  I am a pretty cautious kind of guy but I've got no idea how to position the business at all for next year.  We have to make cropping and purchasing very soon or it will be too late.  I suspect that the impact for agriculture in the UK is massive and a huge numbers of businesses throughout the chain will be forced to cease trading next year.  

One thing I do know.  Why does no one understand this simple mathmatical equation 

CHANCELLOR WITH ODD EYEBROWS = CRAP ECONOMY

Simple, isn't it?

Things have got a bit boring on here lately - you are like potato widows in some respects.  You might have to bear with me until the harvest is complete.  I'll try to make the potato related stories as varied and gripping as it is possible to.

On this note, I think that I may have devised a little running theme (potato based obviously) to recapture the halycon days of the Dogs in Costumes thread.

Let's set this up then.  Once the potatoes are harvested they are graded into one tonne boxes according to size.  They are inspected and any damaged, mis-shapen or green ones are removed.  One thing that has always tickled me are the colloquial names for the different types of reject potatoes.  OK, OK, I know, it's still bloody boring but I honestly haven't got anything else to write about (apart from the credit crunch and I'm trying to put that to the back of my mind).

I thought that I would have a little root around in the stock feed box where the rejects go and give you a little training course on potato defects.  I'm going to feature a strangely-shaped potato every day from now until the end of harvest (or until the merciful release of death, whichever comes sooner).  Naturally I made sure that I had a couple of good novelty potatoes up my sleeve before I started.

Today's featured defects are the TITTED UNS.  I'm not sure where any of these names come from BTW.

Sorry if you think that this blog is turning into the letters page from the Daily Star, you have a point.

Hhmmmmmm.  Maybe I was tempting fate to say that a bit of rain wouldn't go a miss.  Two bloomin' inches by the look of things.

Oh and we've caught the mole, poor little fellow.  I'm not sure if it walked into our trap or if he was drowned by the rising water table and floated into it.

I know that the Relfster is on tenterhooks waiting for a bit of potato data.  The wait's over, Relfmeister, we started harvesting last week which explains the lack of entries.  It's a serious time of year and I am a happier and better person when we have this money, sorry I meant crop, safely gathered home.

Sorry that the tractor is filthy, it was quite wet when we started.  Things are now proceeding quite nicely.  The ground has dried up a lot in the last three days and the rain that is forecast tonight will not be unwelcome. 

The yields look a bit better here than last year and the soil conditions so far have been very good indeed.  I am hearing very varied reports from other growers, however.  The first field yielded 24 boxes of dirty Maris Piper (over 45mm) to the acre plus one tonne to the acre (under 45mm), it is likely to be one of the better fields.  I have not got a clean weight on these yet, sorry Catman, but the gross weight was averaging around one tonne for each box over 45mm.  The size and quality were good and we have sold all the potatoes from this field to a supermarket packer.  Prices are quite a bit lower than last year unfortunately and, I suspect, not far from our cost of production.

We are only running a small harvest team because we are also harvesting cut flowers but we have managed to harvest at least 100 boxes every day so far which is fine for a low cost team like ours.  I am driving one of the tractor and trailers so am catching up with my office jobs each time my trailer gets unloaded.

It's not that long since I was moaning about how inappropriate it was to have Peter Mandelson negotiating for trade on behalf of Europe in the WTO.  Now we've got him as Secretary for Business and Trade.  WHAT?  What the hell does he know about enterprise and wealth creation?  If he was running a fruit and veg stall I wouldn't even invest counterfeit money in it.

The fallacy of New Labour's "Third Way" has led us to the point of financial meltdown.  The encouragement of corporate excess and public sector profligacy coupled with the neglect of physical production and stifling of individual and private enterprise has destroyed the fabric of our economy and our society.  We will pay for hundreds of years for one generation's reliance on the cheap services of poorer nations. 

This government have never understood the boundaries and rules of capitalism.  Thatcherism, for its faults, promoted individual responsibilty and led by example.  Margaret Thatcher spoke repeatedly about "good housekeeping".  At least Heseltine had the decency to make millions of pounds before he became President of the Board of Trade. 

This government has only ever wanted vast, faceless, corporate companies that it could control.  In these outfits no one is responsible or accountable just sackable.

Is Gordon Brown trying to assemble the most useless cabinet possible?  The return of the pompous and ineffectual Margaret Beckett is the cherry on top of this yummy cake.  It can only be a short time before this useless collection of clowns admit defeat and are replaced with something equally unsuitable.

Sorry this is a fiery rant - there's a story that I can't tell you, but I currently have a hornet in my hat about corporate business and the shortage of owner-run businesses in the UK.  Enjoy the Barry Manilow by the way.

According to a news report that I have just heard, fuel poverty is on the increase.  Fuel poverty is defined as when your energy bill exceeds ten percent of your income.

Our daffodil bulb enterprise therefore numbers amongst the ranks of the fuel poor.  I suspect that the same will apply to any potatoes that we store and all of this year's wheat harvest.