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I used to laugh at those John Deere nerds who wear the baseball caps and the overalls and get all excited about the latest models and stuff.  John Deere could make a lot of money if they had a range of lingerie that these blokes could buy for their wives (they would probably get the VAT back as well). 

I'm a bit worried that I'm turning into a machinery nerd myself judging by how quickly I hurried out with my camera when the new tractor arrived this morning.  It's a little beauty.

It's a pun, you see.  I live in the Wash.  Well, not IN the wash (although that would provide an explanation for the webbed feet).  Our farm was reclaimed from the Wash by the Romans.  And the mouth of the wash is the bit across the top (where they should bloody well build a sea defence and motorway like they have in the Netherlands).

But this is the clever bit, the other entendre, if you will, I've got a mouth.  Ahem, that's about it basically.  It almost works on two levels (both of them below sea level, of course, this being the Fens and all).

When I think about the Opal Fruit/Starburst furore, I worry that you are probably a bit annoyed by the change.  You might not find it easy to adapt - you are probably one of those people who calls Snickers, Marathons still.  Well get with the trends, Grandma - It's the Mouth of the Wash now. 

There will probably be high-level meetings about Search Engine Optimisation and stuff at FW Towers.  This is the price of progress.

Don't you love this idea of signs in regional dialects.  This one's from Norfolk.

Hooray for the burghers of Lewes in East Sussex.  They are launching their own currency next week.  This will be the first time they have had one since Queen Victoria was "on the throne", sorry, I meant on the throne.  It will be legal tender throughout the UK.

I said that I would put the picture here unless it was bad.  Well it WAS bad but I'll put it here anyway.  I have to give each picture a filename before I can it on here.  I have given this one the filename "Idiot."  Enjoy

"Hey look over there, isn't that Matthew Naylor?"

"Christ.  I think it is.  What on earth is he's doing"

"I think he's break dancing.  Look.  He's bloody break dancing."

"Rather old school isn't it?"

"Look, look, he's wearing a tie"

"Oh. My. God, so he is.  What the hell does he think he looks like?"

"I'll tell you what there aren't many people in hip hop who can carry off a tie."

"No and he certainly can't"

"What's he's going to do next?  Body popping in a blazer and chinos?"

"Moon walking in a top hat, probably"

"He's a tit, isn't he?"

"Yup" 

I've just looked and the only reports that I can find are on FWi and on the BNP website (not one that I normally feel the need to look at); I hope that you'll forgive me for not providing a hyperlink to that.  I'm not suggesting that there are links between Farmers for Action and the BNP but they do seem remarkably well briefed about the protests.  Don't expect FFA to get favourable coverage in the Guardian or Independent if they were seen to move in those circles. 

Cutting prices in some food sectors while inflating those in others is neither reasonable nor sensible.  I wasn't aware that life was ever promised to be either of those things though.

I know it's becoming pretty bloody in retail.  The retail price of one of the flower products that we supply is being reduced by 25% today in an effort to get the sales figures up.  In the supply chain which I work in, we all agreed that discounting was the right thing to do.  We need to keep those sales.   

I will be able to tell you the effect it has in a couple of weeks.  If it increases sales, I will be able to calculate if it's better to sell all of my production at a lower price or to cut my production next year and sell less of it at a higher price.  Each time we discount we re-establish a lower price point in the consumers mind.  It's a flawed strategy and it's certainly not a long term solution but the option is to sell less product.

David and the milk producers have the same choicein a recession that I have, lay off staff, get rid of production, cut supply and sell less for more.  The trouble is there is always another kamikaze farmer prepared to do more for less.  Sometimes you need to have the courage to let them get on with it.

It is the same for all types of fresh produce with a long production lead time be it milk, potatoes, flowers, whatever.  We commit to produce it before we know what the demand is and it makes us weak negotiators.  We can only negotiate when there is a shortage and two potential customers.  At the moment there are always two potential suppliers.

This is the market economy that Margaret Thatcher strived to create.  Competition between suppliers drives down prices for consumers.  If farmers had supported a more diverse supply base then we would be in a better position too.  We didn't and so we deal with cartels and monopolies to buy most of our inputs.

Some say that the answer lies in powerful cooperatives to deal with the supermarkets.  This way competition between farmers is kept within the co-op.  The same process applies and gradually the most efficient producer takes over from the others.

It is sad for farmers just as it was sad for coal miners or steel workers who suffered under this system.  Although the process of change is painful, ultimately the logic works.  I would wager that a lot of the dairy farmers who are currently painting banners to wave outside Tesco were Tory voters in the 1980s.  I bet that there weren't many of them cheering support for Arthur Scargill.

Please argue with this post because I'm not sure that I like what I have just written.  I'm hopeful that this will rouse Mike P from his statin-induced meditative state.

Coming to work at 5.30am is a revelation.  I have cross a busy A road to get from home to the farm and it isempty at that time of day.  30 minutes later and the roads are as busy as they would be at 8.30am. 

I love the feeling of being alone on the planet for a short while.  If someone dropped a nuclear bomb during the night I wouldn't realise for a couple of hours; the symptoms of radiation poisoning, like swollen blotchy skin, weak limbs and hair falling out, affect me on a good day.

I'm normally moaning about Jamie Oliver on here, saying that he's a self-publicist with disproportionate influence, happy to stick his face in front of things he doesn't understand.

Well today, I like him.  He has given an interview to Paris Match which is reveals that he and I share exactly the same predjudices about our country of birth.  You can read the interview here.  Or here if you didn't so to school.  It's a classic example of him whipping up a mini controversy to promote his next programme but I'm fine with that now.

I even have to admit that I was impressed by his mate Jimmy's programme about farming.  You could see the influence of the NFU in a lot of it rather than the big single issue NGOs which was pleasantly reassuring - that's what we pay our subscription for.

I maintain, however, that we shouldn't depend on these two blokes as industry spokesmen.  Ultimately they are thinking about their own profiles and popularity and they could just as easily say bad or inaccurate things about food production.

It's a bloomin pity that farmers are too stoopid and ugly to get onto the telly themselves.

You know how a lot of surnames are derived from ancient professions, like Baker,Cooper or Driver (I never realised that they had cars in Anglo Saxon times), well I think that we should start that again.

I started thinking about this the other night when Armstrong and Miller were on telly.  Those are two great English names - particularly Armstrong.  I like the idea of forebears who were strong of arm.  I've never met anyone called Tony Weaklegs, presumably that family died out, or Shirley Longtoes but maybe they exist.

I like the idea of becoming Matthew Farmer.  That sounds perfectly healthy and noble.  My system is designed to stop people doing a job that they don't believe in because "it pays the bills."

Actually I've just realised that I might be able to get a column for the magazine out of this idea.

I hate it when people say "my job doesn't define me."  As a farmer, one is very much living and breathing the task.  It would be a much better world if everyone invested as much of themselves and their beliefs into their work.

I think that suddenly there would be a rush for jobs that had a practical and productive side to them.  Would you want to be called Ian Auditor?  Or Keith Deskbased? 

It would be a lot easier when people arrived to do business with you too, "Hi I'm Barry Sprayrep."  Or when they phoned up, "Good Morning, my names Karen Cold-Caller, do you have a moment?"   

Right, I'm going to have yet another coffee and start writing this as a column

The Relfster is a judge along with Pam Ayres (I'm pretty sure that she is a different Pam to our own cool correspondent, Poodle Pam).

Anyway.  In case you've forgotten what she looks like, here's a picture of Tim Relf

The Relfster set the ball rolling on one of the forums with his own poem. 

They come in all shapes and sizes,
To suit kids tiny feet and big farmers' plates of meat,
Some like them green,
Some keep them clean,
Hunters are trendy,
All of them are bendy,
They keep out the rain,
And stop you going lame,
Where on earth would we be without wellies?

So they stop you going lame eh, Tim?  Well you ought to get a pair because that is the lamest poem that I have ever read.  Or was.  Until I read a bit further down this discussion forum.

I don't want to be too cruel to Tim after his excellent post on the World's Biggest Scotch Egg.  We sing from the same hymn sheet when it comes to sausages and related savouries.

I do hope that the standard rises.  This stuff gives the Vogons a run for their money.  And do check out Owd Fred, I'm sure he was the inspiration for Bert Fry. 

Tractor time is usually an opportunity to mull subjects over and this is where I normally assemble an idea.  Today, though, it was like rattling an empty tin.  I was like a zombie.

The pressure is on because my mate, Jules, wrote a pretty good piece for the Growers page of the Lincolnshire Free Press this week.  It was about incorporating tractor exhaust gas into the soil where the carbon yuk and nitrous poison act as a fertiliser. Similar article here. 

Unfortunately he performed a cardinal sin by signing off the article with the awful cliche "Interesting Times."  Oh Jules.  It was like going out for a delicious five course meal with fine wine and then being served Haribo and a cup of Mellow Birds at the end.  He knew that he had dropped one the minute that he sent the email to the paper.

I've been mocking him all week saying "Yep, interesting times" after every comment that he makes.  I wish I hadn't made such a big deal about it because now I've got to come up with something better before Friday.

Interesting Times.

Personally I would prefer to see more government funding applied to the practical use of new breeding technology to reduce pesticide and water use.  The benefits of this (cheap food and cleaner air and water) are not something that on their own would motivate a profit-driven company.

I do admire Charles' passion, however, and the way that he tries to lead by his own example.  He has a curious role in the country's governance and I like the fact that he is not afraid to be left-field.

I thought that you might enjoy the counter argument to his comments from the unfailingly excellent Dennis Avery.  (Henry Fell always distributes Dennis' articles).  I don't always entirely agree with him, I'm not happy to take a chance on global warming for starters, but his stuff is always full of facts and brilliantly written.

Before we draw a veil over the whole thing and form a pact that we never speak of it again, here is your final image.  ENJOY

Is it wrong to find that commentary just a little bit sexy?  Bon bon au farce

Normal service now resumes