Time for a change of career, I reckon.
What's promoted this? Well, I'll tell you what - another trip to the flippin vet's, that's what.
Now I know this is a subject I've moaned about before but at least then the poor little buggers were ill, so I couldn't begrudge a big bill too much. This morning was just routine, though, just a check-up.
I should have known they were buttering me up for something when two letters arrived in the post recently addressed to 'Parsley Relf' and 'Nutmeg Relf', informing them that they should remind me that their annual health check and booster vaccinations were due.
So, half an hour at the surgery, a quick poke and prod, one worm tablet each, a quick jab and a little box of wormer/flea stuff to take away and, bish bash bosh, another £161 goes into the bottomless hole that is cat ownership.
So, here's my plan. I'm going to start a small animal practice. OK, I'm not qualified, and I know nothing about animal medicine - but surely it can't be that hard. I can poke and prod animals in an authoritative way and say something reassuring like: "All seems OK there."
I can drop occasional authoritative-sounding words into the conversation like 'stool' and 'kidney'. I can wear a stethoscope. I can stick a few breed posters up on the wall. I can accept all major credit cards.
And here's the beauty of it. If the pets don't pull through, then I guess that's a sad fact of life. I'll just look grave and empathetic. Say in hushed tones: "I'm sorry, Mrs Featherstone, there was nothing we could do for little Kipper/Marmalade/ Chirpie/Rover*
I mentioned my idea to a friend of mine this morning. He sounds up for it. Relf and Riley, for all your small animal needs. Got a certain ring to it, don't you think.
It'll be like Vets in Practice crossed with Napoleon's retreat from Moscow. Animal Hospital meets the bit in Bambi where the mother dies.
Still, there's money to be made - and, if we're both taking £161 every half hour, we'd get rich before anyone is on to us.
* Delete as appropriate.
Sounds like a good idea..
Although an obsession with one species is not so healthy..
I remember a time recently, when we saw pictures of you growing a small animal on your face?