From a leaked policy document:
We all know that government departments take a lot of money to run, but they only need to spend money to look after the interests of certain members of society, so it's only reasonable that they should help pay for the running costs. In the case of the Home Office, these costs are heavier than most. They have to run the police and prisons for instance and we all know how much it costs to house a criminal each year, It's thousands more than the average citizen earns. On top of that there are various incidental expenses such as DVDs and so on, but that's bye the bye.
The Home Office believes that a huge proportion of its costs arise because of people stealing things and it is determined to make the people who own things that can be stolen, pay for having their interests taken care of. We believe that a cost sharing deal for owners of things could be an effective way of financing better prisons and more facilities for mandarins and ministers.
Our proposals are as follows:
Every person in England who owns anything should have to make a declaration each year as to the number and type of things he/she owns. These declarations would form the basis for making an annual levy.
There would be a variable rate of levy depending on the risks associated with each type of thing. Houses for instance don't get stolen very often, so would only be levied at £5. At the other end of the scale, cars, mobile phones and ministerial laptops are getting stolen all the time, so they should attract a levy of £500.
We would set up a quasi-independent body to manage and collect these levies under the designation Cost Of Criminal Underwriting for Prisons (COCUP). This would create a large number of jobs for people who would otherwise be unemployed and provide many opportunities for consultants fees and IT contractors to whom the government owes many favours.
Penalties and enforcement - we envisage that there should be stiff custodial sentences for those who do not make returns on time or who do not pay the levy. Enforcement would include the employment of an army of assessors who would accompany police when called out to crimes involving theft. They would make an inventory of all the things present and not stolen as well as the things stolen which would be compared to the returns made by the citizen. In the event of an under-declaration being discovered, the citizen would be shot out of hand.
Impact assessment - it is believed that a side effect of the scheme would be a rapid reduction in reported crime.