What did the farmer call his cow???

 A - Pat.

 A sh*t joke but i'm getting it started, I want to hear all them farmer jokes out there! Lets go!!

What Happend to the magic tractor?

 

 

It went down the road and turned into a feild

two farmers we talking one morning one said to the other i need a word with your son other farmer replies why whats he done. well he was with my daughter last nite and broke her virginity the farmer replies,I he a clumsy b*****d he broke the bloody tractor last week

Farmers wife says thats amazing a bull can have sex three thousand times a year, why cant you do that? farmer replies the bull doesnt do it with the same old cow every time!

What do you say to a Cow if it's in your way?

 

You tell it to Mooooooooooove.

Young Farmer wishing to go Poultry Farming must have Cock and Pullet.

What do you call a headless cow?

 udderly ridiculious!! 

farmer joke-

 DEFRA and health and safety lol

A farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer. The farmer says: "I wants to get one of them dayvorces" Lawyer: "Do you have grounds? Farmer: Yes, i gots me 40 acres. Lawyer: No you don't understand, do you have a suit? Farmer: Yes, oi wears it to church on Sundays. Lawyer: No, i mean do you have a case? Farmer: No, but i got a john deere. Lawyer: No, i mean do you have a grudge? Farmer: Yes, that's where i park the john deere. Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up? Farmer: No, we both get up at 5:30. Lawyer gets annoyed and tries one last question..."Is your wife a nagger?" Farmer: No, she's a white girl, but the baby's a nagger, that's why i want a dayvorce!

 

Billy bones, that is GENIUS!!!!

 

not sure if i've posted this one before:

 

A farmer and his wife are in bed. the farmer says 'if you had bigger t*ts we could get rid of the old dairy cow'. the wife replied 'if you had a bigger w*lly we could get rid of the farm hand too'!!

A simple cooking idea for the inexperienced chef.

 Banana bread

Ingredients:

• 2 milk jugs
• 2 nice long legs
• 2 laughing eyes
• 1 banana
• 1 fur lined mixing bowl

method:

• Rub the 2 milk jugs and look into laughing eyes
• Spread the 2 long legs while at the same time rubbing the milk jugs
• Stroke the fur lined mixing bowl until it becomes moist
• Slowly dip middle finger into fur lined mixing bowl to check texture. (don't lick the finger)
• Slowly slide in the banana and move it in and out until it becomes creamy
• Add nuts and sigh with relif
• Remember, don't lick the fur lined mixing bowl

If bread starts to rise, LEAVE TOWN!!!!

Two men were arrested last night

One was said to be eating dynomite and the other was drinking battery acid.

 The press officer for the police said, "that one has been charged and that the other was let off."

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of lager

 The Barman replies 'Sorry, we don't serve string alcohol'.

The string walks over to his table. He ties himself together, and pulls at his string all over himself.

He goes back to the bar and again asks the barman for a pint of lager.

 The Barman replies 'Are you not that piece of string from before?'

The string replies 'I'm afraid not'.

  

wait for it! i love (not) crap jokes:

here goes,

1/. what do call the best butter on the farm?

a goat.

2/.  what is cowhide most used for?

holding cows together!

 3/. 'jenny' called her mother, 'why r u feeding birdseed to the cat ?'

'i have 2' jeeny replied 'cos that's where my canary is!' 

Sorry...

 

Did you hear about the wooden tractor ? It's had wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.

 My favorite, and it is clean(I have written this before)

A lawyer is out duck hunting.  He shoots a duck and it falls on a neighboring farm, where he does not have permission to hunt.  He looks around, sees no one, and decides to hop the fence to trespass to get the duck.

He has barely taken ten steps when the farmer pops out of some trees and orders him off the property.  The lawyer protests he really wants to retrieve the duck, the farmer insists he leaves.  "well" the lawyer says, "I guess I am going to sue you".

The farmer replies "we don't handle disagreements like that out here, we use the '3 kick rule' ".  "Three kick rule??" the lawyer asks.  "Yup" says the farmer, "this is the way it works.  Each of us takes turn kicking each other as hard as we can three times, and whoever gives up first loses".  The lawyer said he guessed he could try that, and the farmer says he'll go first.  So, the farmer kicks the lawyer in the knee as hard as he can, and while the lawyer is doubled up in pain holding his knee, the farmer hauls off again and kicks him in the chin.  Now hurting more than ever, the lawyer stands upright holding his chin, and the farmer kicks him in the groin.

 After he recovers, the lawyer says "OK, now its my turn" to which the farmer replies "I give up, you win, get your duck".  

 2nd favorite.  A Kansas rancher was walking through his pasture one day, and found a lamp.  He was rubbing the dust off of the lamp and out popped a genie, telling him he would grant him one wish a year for three years. The rancher's first wish was for grass belly high on the cows that summer, and as promised that summer the grass was belly high on the cows.  The next year the genie returned on schedule, and the rancher wished for $1.20 weaned calves, and calves were $1.20 at weaning.  On the third year when the genie returned, the rancher again wished for $1.20 weaned calves. "But" the genie protested "you wished for that last year, and I gave you your wish?!?!".  "I know" said the rancher, looking at the ground and shuffling his feet, "but I held out for $1.30".

 Third favorite, told by a seed rep at a winter farm meeting several years ago.  Tug and Lena were a farming couple of Swedish extraction.  Tug especially was known to be a bit snug with his money.  A barnstormer set up shop at the county fair, and Lena wanted a ride(Tug did too but wouldn't confess to it) as she had never flown in an airplane.  Tug balked at the $50 a head charge, and tried to negotiate with the barnstorming pilot.  At first the pilot would not budge from the $50, but finally relented a little.  He told Tug, "if you can ride this plane without crying out in anyway, no matter what happens, I will let you ride for free".  Tug quickly agreed, and he and Lena climbed in behind the pilot, and off they flew. 

The pilot did barrel rolls, loops, flew upside down, straight up into a stall then a free fall until he could start his engine.  Tug and Lena didn't utter a word.  Giving up, the pilot landed and turned to Tug and said, "well, you win, you are the most steel nerved man I have ever known.  Suddenly, the pilot heard a shrill shriek, and saw Lena was hanging onto the tail for dear life.  Tug said, "well, you nearly beat me, I almost said something when Lena fell out on that first barrel roll".  

There once was a farmer called Arthur. He was a batchelor and had employed a pretty, young house-keeper. One sunday Arthur's old aunt came for lunch and upon seeing the young and very shapely house-keeper she gave Arthur that look, you know the one I mean. Arthur asked his aunt, " why are you looking at me like that ?" the aunt replied "she's very pretty for a house-keeper". Arthur assured his aunt that their relatioship was strictly profesional.

A couple of days later the house-keeper told Arthur that there was a silver jug missing since sunday, and putting two and two together the aunt became the prime suspect. Not having the guts to phone his aunt and accuse her, Arthur decided to write her a letter. He wrote as follows.....I'm not saying that you stole my silver jug, and I'm not saying you didn't steal my silver jug, but it went missing on sunday when you were here !

A few day's later the reply came, and it read as follows....I'm not saying you're sleeping with your house-keeper, and I'm not saying you're not sleeping with your house-keeper, but if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the silver jug by now !

An angry young farmhand bangs on the door, which is opened by the neighbouring farmer's daughter.

Farmhand: " Is your father in?"

Farmer's daughter: "No, but if it's about borrowing our prize bull, dad charges £150 a week for him."

Farmhand: " No, it's not about the prize bull".

Farmer's daughter: "well, we've got old Buster, he's a bit past it, but i'm sure dad will let you have him cheap".

Farmhand: "No, it's not about borrowing any bull, it's about your brother Danny, he's got my sister into trouble".

Farmer's daughter: "Ooh! I don't know what dad charges for Danny!" 

Not farmery, but quite relevant I think:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Isabel!

Isabel who?

Is a bell neccessary on a bicycle?