I have often noticed witty and humourous signs asking users of the loo to refrain from putting items down the toilet that may create problems for septic tanks.  Now just when I need one I can not for the life of me remember any of the funny notices.  Has anyone got any reasonably "clean" suggestions?  My mother in law visits and I wouldn't want to risk offence.  :-)

Please use bin provided for things that are not poo, wee or vomit.

Failing that, please use industrial gloves to pull your sanitary wares out of my septic tank, because thats what I will have to do after you.

How about "Not poo? Not wee? Not this way then. Use bin instead."

Love it! Thanks for the ideas, I can feel my creative juices flowing   I have a few loos so will try and come up with a new one for each.

 I hope it isn't the other ones are flowing otherwise you'll need an engaged sign on at least one of them.

You could try:

Body wastes and tissue paper only

Thankyou

But I detect a chance for humourous poems so here is my offering. To be placed in line of sight of the sitting incumbent:

A septic tank we have; for use only by this lav

Into which please do not throw, things which do not go -

down pipe or drain or spout. 

If you do so conspire the penalty is dire. You will be forced by law

to fish it out before; at table you next eat and thus resume this seat.

Next time you get a blockage,take a photo of the source of the problem when its removed.Pin the photo above the lav with the question "Recognise this?"

hmm that may be taking it too far...

I remember seeing a really good little poem that was short and to the point but cant remember it for the life of me.  I have tried to come up with my own but it's crap.... well it would be wouldn't it.

I have been Googling to find another. Nothing so far, however, the spelling mistake in this one made me smile.

"Only toilet paper may be disposed of in this toilet. Please dispose of any other waist product using the disposable bags and bins provided "

no bugger listens anyway- im always pulling things out! hows about this:

any ureasonable blockages will have a dna sample taken, and the owner made to confess in public!

The most polite and sensible yet, thanks

I also like this

All of us with septic tanks,
Give to you our heartfelt thanks,
For putting nothing in the pot,
That’s isn’t guaranteed to rot.

Kleenex is bad, cigarettes too,
Feminine products are taboo,
With your kind cooperation,
We’ll keep our tank in operation.

I like it :)

thats not bad, might have to use that lol

Peter Wells:

A septic tank we have; for use only by this lav

Into which please do not throw, things which do not go -

down pipe or drain or spout. 

If you do so conspire the penalty is dire. You will be forced by law

to fish it out before; at table you next eat and thus resume this seat.

Peter, l hope you don't mind, but i have taken the liberty of editing slightly your poem, so that it rhymes and flows better- its not an insult to your literary skills l promise and i hope you don't get offended!

A Sceptic tank is all we have,

It is soley used by this Lav,

please take note and do not throw

items that are not meant to go

down pipe, down drain, or through the spout,

or you will be forced to fish it out

before you next have something to eat

and will then have to return to this seat!

charliemoo:

Peter, l hope you don't mind, but I have taken the liberty of editing slightly your poem, so that it rhymes and flows better- its not an insult to your literary skills l promise and I hope you don't get offended!

No problem. However, the original is constructed in free form and has rhyme although the rythym itself changes. In this form it is important to use the punctuation and use silence/pauses (as in music) where necessary. Thus in line one, there is have and lav (pause as in music, and a change of key) We then have throw and go before introducing a variation on the rythym and a verbal coda to end verse one.

Verse two has conspire and dire (full stop). Then comes law and before . Finally, another change of 'key', prior to ending with eat and seat.

I accept however that, like many poems, it is better listened to than read.

On the other hand. I suspect you are right in that this 'poem' will not cause the literati to clamour for my elevation to Poet Laurette.

 PLEASE DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN THE TOILET UNLESS IT HAS BEEN EATEN FIRST

lmao!! thats perfect haha!!