1 Pin cushion of Hilary Benn with a printed set of incantations in gothic script.
2. Wallet with hole in bottom. This real synthetic wallet comes complete with embossed EU logo.
3, Reel of miracle red tape that never runs out.
4. Subscription to the RSPCA with exclusive access rights to The Moral High Ground.
5. £2000 Government voucher to trade in your battered British made Land Rover for a shiny Japanese made Eco car.
6. Private viewing (at a cinema near you) of the new film starring Gordon and Prudence. A movie showing the struggles of our heros to get an Act of Parliament through the House of Commons in time to save the Western World from total financial collapse.
7. A newly published manual of self help from Kansas Farmer. This shows how dreams can be realised by practical work on a prairie farm and becoming a fire fighting sheriff of a Mid West town. This book is accompanied (foc) by a booklet by the eminent accountant Jacobus showing how farm revenue can be maximised by a, little known, legal mechanism which allows a citizen to avoid paying any tax to anyone they consider shifty, evasive or nasty.
8. A set of new eco light bulbs to replace those ageing gas mantles. (They give the same light (lumens) but last longer.
9. A montage comprising photos of the staff of Farmers Weekly. This montage come with a written guarantee, that when hung in a nursery it will bring instant relief from infant colitis, or when hung in the dairy will immediately cause an evacuation of all flying insects. (Tests are underway to examine the effect of this montage on passengers and staff of the Montreal underground railway system.)
Further additions to this catalogue of Christmas treats will be welcomed.