2705498:

it has been to wet to do any baling on my farm.

 My straw has gone limp and brown.

 what should i do?

 I know the feeling (but that's another story).

I find that things that are limp do occasionally perk up, so don't despair and keep your fingers crossed for some sunshine.

I am trying to get fit and it is proving a struggle. How do you stay so trim?

Farmer Frank, I want to be the first ever woman president of the NFU...what do I need to do to get elected?

Darling:

 

Farmer Frank, I want to be the first ever woman president of the NFU...what do I need to do to get elected?

Afternoon Darling,

Funny you should say that, I was talking about this subject with my niece the other day. She was talking about the so-called “glass ceiling” for women. Not sure if it was the right time for her to be rattling on about interior design when we were supposed to be having a serious chat about careers and sexism.

FF

Isabel Davies:

I am trying to get fit and it is proving a struggle. How do you stay so trim?

Isabel,

Exercise is more bearable if it’s factored into your existing lifestyle. That way, it's easier to find time for. I now walk to the pub every day, for example, rather than getting a lift. The fact that it’s only 50 yards away and that I stay there all afternoon is irrelevant.

FF

PS: Thanks for the compliment. I used to cut quite a dash in my day (even if it was 1951).

Afternoon everybody,

Don't be shy, you can ask me anything in these forums. No job too big or too small, as they say. All you've got to do is click on the 'reply' button, type in your question and press post.

FF

Farmer Frank

Farmer Jones here from Wales. I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've been feeling these well, feelings towards men. Not like chum like, a bit more. I think I might be the only gay farmer in the village, if not Wales. What do you suggest I do? I fear my livelihood could be in ruins if I outed.

 Farmer Jones.

Hi Frank,

I seem to spend all my time at the computer visiting forums (or should that be fora?), chat rooms and blogging (often with no response) . How can I find time to do any farming, please?

farmer_jones:

Farmer Frank

Farmer Jones here from Wales. I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've been feeling these well, feelings towards men. Not like chum like, a bit more. I think I might be the only gay farmer in the village, if not Wales. What do you suggest I do? I fear my livelihood could be in ruins if I outed.

 Farmer Jones.

Hello Farmer Jones,

"Live and let live" has always been my motto. If would be a tragedy if your livelihood was jeopardised because of intolerance. I suggest you watch re-runs of Little Britain - your comment put me in mind of a character on that. I'm presuming that was a real-life case study in Little Britain.

FF

PS: Speaking of chum, thanks for reminding me - I must get some dog food.

Frank,

If one was to, hypothetically, have a crush on one of the Dairy Farmers of the year finalists, would it be improper to ask him to dance at the Awards?

flutefriend:

Hi Frank,

I seem to spend all my time at the computer visiting forums (or should that be fora?), chat rooms and blogging (often with no response) . How can I find time to do any farming, please?

Hello Flutefriend,

Forums and chat rooms can be addictive, so beware. I've heard of this "blogging" lark and I certainly can't approve of it - it sounds disgusting! A man of your age, too, you should be ashamed of yourself!

FF

PS: Get a dictionary, too!

emily:

Frank,

If one was to, hypothetically, have a crush on one of the Dairy Farmers of the year finalists, would it be improper to ask him to dance at the Awards?

Hello Emily,

If you don't ask, you don't get. But remember, he'll probably smell of silage and cow muck.

There again, you might do as well.

FF

I've got the weekend off and plan to forget my troubles by going down The Wheatsheaf tonight and staying there until kicking-out time on Sunday night. 

I need to be ready for work on Monday so, Farmer Frank, my question is - what's the best cure for the mother of all hangovers? 

Hello Frank

I hope you can help on this delicate matter.

I think cats are a total waste of time, but I've got this male friend who really likes them. I'm slightly worried he could have a touch of the "Little Britains" that you alluded to earlier on today.

How can I let him know gently that moggies are just "man" substitues for lonely women and he's demeaning his manhood by talking about stroking his purring pussy the whole time. Or have I missed the point?

drummer:

I've got the weekend off and plan to forget my troubles by going down The Wheatsheaf tonight and staying there until kicking-out time on Sunday night. 

I need to be ready for work on Monday so, Farmer Frank, my question is - what's the best cure for the mother of all hangovers? 

 

Hi Drummer,

According to the scientists, honey is good for fighting hangovers. Other people swear by a long walk in the fresh air.

Personally, though, I'd just ring a sickie and stay in bed all day.

FF

PS: Can I come to the Wheatsheaf?

Andrew Shirley:

Hello Frank

I hope you can help on this delicate matter.

I think cats are a total waste of time, but I've got this male friend who really likes them. I'm slightly worried he could have a touch of the "Little Britains" that you alluded to earlier on today.

How can I let him know gently that moggies are just "man" substitutes for lonely women and he's demeaning his manhood by talking about stroking his purring pussy the whole time. Or have I missed the point?

Hello Andrew,

I hate cats. My missus had one which once did something unmentionable in the basin. At least, I hope it was the cat.

You need to speak to your friend discreetly if you're worried about him. Let him know that you'll be there for him if he ever does want to talk about anything. You obviously don't need to listen, but it'll sound good.

Are cats really "man substitutes" for lonely woman? That Mrs Hetherington at Number 42, the one I like with the gigantic front window boxes, has got one - I might have to pay her a visit!

FF

Farmer Frank,

My ewes are not quite as senior as your venerable self but their teeth are not as good. What is your secret?

P.S. Is your lamb still with us. If so, don't put it inthe pot yet as you might need it for breeding stock.

Frank

I reckon I might be able to help the Emily who contacted you with a problem about unrequited love earlier today. Maybe you could tell her I think I know who the object of her affections might be and if she wanted I could put in a good word for her.

the aged clun:

Farmer Frank,

My ewes are not quite as senior as your venerable self but their teeth are not as good. What is your secret?

 

P.S. Is your lamb still with us. If so, don't put it inthe pot yet as you might need it for breeding stock.

Afternoon aged clun,

I clean my teeth very regularly and always have done (once a week on a Sunday night, the same routine as for changing my underwear.)

As for the lamb, it is still with us. Not sure about using it as breeding stock, though - it's not really my type.

FF

Andrew Shirley:

Frank

I reckon I might be able to help the Emily who contacted you with a problem about unrequited love earlier today. Maybe you could tell her I think I know who the object of her affections might be and if she wanted I could put in a good word for her.

Andrew,

I will certainly pass that message on. I enjoy playing the role of matchmaker.

I might find out if she's a got a cat first though... if she has, bearing in mind what you said earlier, I might contact her direct myself. She sounds like a right minx!

FF

Farmer Frank, I have a confession to make. I lay awake at night fantasizeing about you.Is this normal?

Darling:

 

Farmer Frank, I have a confession to make. I lay awake at night fantasizeing about you.Is this normal?

Hello again Darling,

My missus often says I give her sleepless nights so I guess it's not unusual.

Please send me a photo.

And do you own your own farm?

FF

farmer frank:

As for the lamb, it is still with us. Not sure about using it as breeding stock, though - it's not really my type.

Thank you for your advice and for giving up your valuable time this afternoon. Re the lamb: if it's a girl I have several rams who would be interested. (Come to think of it, if it's a boy they would still probably be interested)!

Oh Frank, I think I've lost my heart to you!

And in reply to your question......yes with dairy, sheep and beef, and, of course........my lovely black fluffy pussy!

the aged clun:

farmer frank:

As for the lamb, it is still with us. Not sure about using it as breeding stock, though - it's not really my type.

Thank you for your advice and for giving up your valuable time this afternoon. Re the lamb: if it's a girl I have several rams who would be interested. (Come to think of it, if it's a boy they would still probably be interested)!

Hi aged clun,

It's been a pleasure (well it hasn't, but the bloke at Farmers Weekly said he'd give me a few quid for doing it).

FF