You might have seen our agony uncle, Farmer Frank, on FWi. As you know, he's not real - he's a fictional therapist - but the pearls of wisdom he dispenses have raised a few laughs.

We therefore want to give FWiSpace users the chance to put their questions to him. So, if something's troubling you - whether it's to do with money, health or even an affair of the heart - post your question and he'll pick some to answer. His answers might not be much help (frankly, they won't be of any help!) but hopefully they'll make you smile!

Who is this Tim Relf bloke? Do I know him? Have I had my tea yet? Why no questions yet, I haven't got all day - there's work to be done outside...

Frank - I have just entered my fifth decade, and am continually being told by my kids, that I am 'past it' - what can I do to keep my health vitality and good looks into old age - like you obviously have?    

I've been after buying a next door farm for a while now, any tips on how to get them to sell?

farmertp:

Frank - I have just entered my fifth decade, and am continually being told by my kids, that I am 'past it' - what can I do to keep my health vitality and good looks into old age - like you obviously have?    

farmertp,

I notice you don't have a photo - quite how far have your health, vitality and good looks slipped?

You could get yourself a young filly, as exercise is the perfect way of keeping fit and staying young-looking. You could also consider a horse.

You should take at least two holidays a year somewhere exotic as well. Eastbourne is particularly nice at this time of year.

He his-self:

I've been after buying a next door farm for a while now, any tips on how to get them to sell?

Remember the 90s? Raves every weekend. Make that every night.

Don't forget to invite me, though... I never miss an opportunity to strut my stuff on the dance floor - even if I am a bit less agile since that incident with the Texel ewe, Mrs Shufflebotham and the dagging shears.

Having spent a year at Cirencester, I now find I am constantly the butt of jokes from other land agents who went to Harper Adams. Do you have any tips with dealing with this emotional bullying...?

Frankly Frank - I dont think much of your advice - I live near Eastbourne, dont have time for holidays, and dont like horses!

farmertp:

Frankly Frank - I dont think much of your advice - I live near Eastbourne, dont have time for holidays, and dont like horses!

You could always try Hastings then!

If you could find time to go overseas, there are some good deals to be had at the moment. I hear Basra is very cheap. 

combat_claire:

Having spent a year at Cirencester, I now find I am constantly the butt of jokes from other land agents who went to Harper Adams. Do you have any tips with dealing with this emotional bullying...?

Combat_claire,

It's at times like this that people always tell you to remember the old saying: Sticks and stones will hurt my bones, but names will never hurt me.

Personally, though, I prefer the saying "Attack is the best form of defence" so I'd go straight on the offensive. Don't bother with name-calling either - get yourself a large stick!

Frank - I think you have got it wrong (again) - my mum always told me the saying as "sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt you!" 

But you are right about "attack being the best form of defence."

One more question, another mouth to feed is just around the corner in our house, how will I get my fair share?  (from child no 3,  he his self's house)

He his-self:

One more question, another mouth to feed is just around the corner in our house, how will I get my fair share?  (from child no 3,  he his self's house)

Hello child no 3 in He his-self's house,

You could try hoarding food. I've stashed a few tins of baked beans, some potatoes and a tin of pilchards under my bed. There's also a half-eaten rice pudding there - but that's another story.

I also like to keep a smear of egg on the front of my shirt.

Dont worry about child no3 Frank, I have just ordered a new freezer and as soon as its here "George" the pet stot (bullock) is going to have a very "cool" new home.

Burgers anyone?

farmer frank:

Personally, though, I prefer the saying "Attack is the best form of defence" so I'd go straight on the offensive. Don't bother with name-calling either - get yourself a large stick!

 I don't think my stick was big enough...do you recommend co-codamol or ibuprofen for effective pain relief...

 Yours in agony

Hi Frank.

I let one of my jill ferrets have a litter of kits this year (against the wishes of my better half) he wasn't happy when he found out - how can i pacify him! By the way, the kits are little crackers!

combat_claire:

farmer frank:

Personally, though, I prefer the saying "Attack is the best form of defence" so I'd go straight on the offensive. Don't bother with name-calling either - get yourself a large stick!

 I don't think my stick was big enough...do you recommend co-codamol or ibuprofen for effective pain relief...

 Yours in agony

 

Combat Claire,

That's an unenviable position to be in - when your stick isn't big enough.

Forget co-codamol or ibuprofen, I recommend a pint or two of IPA.

FF

crazysheep:

Hi Frank.

I let one of my jill ferrets have a litter of kits this year (against the wishes of my better half) he wasn't happy when he found out - how can i pacify him! By the way, the kits are little crackers!

Hello crazysheep,

Why was your other half opposed to the idea? Presumably it was because of the smell? There again, I imagine they would have got used to it - he can't smell that bad!

Tell him if he doesn't start being nice to them, one might accidentally find its way down his trousers. That'll make him change his mind. And bring a tear to his eye.

FF

Farmer Frank: I am concerned about the unfortunate creature you are holding in your picture. Should it not be donated to the Fallen Stock Scheme or is it merely stuffed?

the aged clun:

Farmer Frank: I am concerned about the unfortunate creature you are holding in your picture. Should it not be donated to the Fallen Stock Scheme or is it merely stuffed?

hello aged clun,

It certainly should be stuffed - with a nice rosemary stuffing. With a bit of mint sauce on top, of course.

I wondered what you were referring to when I first read your question - I wondered if I'd left my flies open!

FF

I fear the lamb might not survive to the mint sauce stage!

No offence meant to your personage - you could be the new Calvin Klein model for the older man!

the aged clun:

I fear the lamb might not survive to the mint sauce stage!

No offence meant to your personage - you could be the new Calvin Klein model for the older man!

Thank you, my dear. Comments like that make an old man very happy!

I am of course available for all modelling jobs - just might have to do a bit of emergency darning on my underpants first!

Dear Farmer Frank

You seem to be a man of the world and I admire you so much for embracing this new interweb technology - please can you tell me what is the point of it all?

There's another question I need to ask you but I am feeling paranoid about the fact that those little men in my computer are watching everything I do  - is it true that other people can actually find out what I have been looking at on the web - I've been doing some internet dating and wouldn't want anyone to know

matilda:

Dear Farmer Frank

You seem to be a man of the world and I admire you so much for embracing this new interweb technology - please can you tell me what is the point of it all?

There's another question I need to ask you but I am feeling paranoid about the fact that those little men in my computer are watching everything I do  - is it true that other people can actually find out what I have been looking at on the web - I've been doing some internet dating and wouldn't want anyone to know

Matilda,

Thank you very much for the compliment. What are you doing this weekend? And can you travel? I would visit you, but train travel plays havoc with my indigestion.

In this highly technological era, I'm afraid there are no secrets. If you have been internet dating, the details of everyone you've contacted, when you contacted them and even what you wrote would be ultimately retrievable if someone (like an aggrieved spouse, for example) was determined to establish these facts.

It's worth, therefore, always using a neighbour or workmate's computer if you're up to any funny business.

FF

it has been to wet to do any baling on my farm.

 My straw has gone limp and brown.

 what should i do?