There are some very satisfying noises at this time of year – the steady, constant thrum of a combine as it covers the acres, for example.
Let’s face it, though, there are some noises you dread. Ones that mean frustration, embarrassment, aggravation, pain or expense – or a combination of them all.
Here are 13 of them.
1 Inappropriately perky weather forecasters
The infuriatingly upbeat tone they employ to inform you that rain is on the way. Expect it to last all this week and maybe into September.
2 Trailer trouble
The Niagara Falls-like whooshing that tells you that the student has forgotten to latch the back of the grain trailer and 10 tonnes of wheat have slid to the ground.
3 Combine console
The insistent beeping on the combine console that you thought was just the grain monitor doing its stuff, but turns out to be a warning that you have precisely half a litre of fuel left and are about to grind to an ignominious halt.
4 Auger meets object
The loud tearing and high-pitched screeching, followed by a muffled crump, that can only mean you have forgotten to put the discharge auger in and it’s whacked a large tree. The tree didn’t move…
5 Furious father
Soon after Point 4… the massive explosion when you oh-so-gently tell your dad what you’ve done. Especially since you managed to do exactly the same thing last year and it cost £600 to have it straightened out.
6 Tired tyres
The curious burbling, fish-slapping noise of a trailer tyre that’s decided it doesn’t want to hold any more air and you’re 20 miles from home. And your mobile has run out of charge. And you’re dying for a pee. And a police car has just turned up. Can it get any worse?
7 Angle anguish
The rasping sound of an angle-grinder in the distance working continuously and frantically, suggesting that someone back at the grainstore has broken something very important and is desperately trying to cobble something together to allow harvest to continue.
8 Sound of silence
The lengthy and disconcerting silence (for the combine driver) as he waits in a distant field for a trailer to hove into view, suggesting that (a) the grain drier has broken down (b) two tractors and trailers have hit each other on a narrow road and (c) everyone has forgotten you and gone home.
No. Just no!
10 Competitive neighbour
The maddening, self-satisfied gurgle of your neighbour as he tells you that (a) he’s finished harvest even though you’re only half-way through and that (b) his yields are brilliant again and that (c) he’s off on holiday to the south of France.
11 Wheel spin
The slithering sound of wheels spinning in the absence of forward motion as you find a new wet spot. How exactly are you supposed to extract a fully loaded trailer from where a drain has burst anyway?
The static hiss or empty silence of your radio losing signal – just as the team comes back out after lunch for a critical spell on Test Match Special.
13 Grub gone
The hollow sound of the lid going back on your empty lunchbox … at 10am…