Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash.
Q I had a puncture the other evening. My young male passenger watched me – a grandmother – change the wheel, merely sitting in silence and staring out the window. Is this usual in today’s society?
A That’s terrible. Truly terrible. He must have been so bored. He should have at least turned the radio on.
Q What do you think about sex before marriage?
A I’m all for it – although obviously not immediately before. The dress will get in the way. And the other guests will be watching.
Q My neighbour has just got a Japanese Akita – it keeps me awake all night.
A Never seen the need for anyone to have an au pair myself.
Q Where’s the best place to get an overdraft?
A I always found the pub was the place I could most easily run one up.
Q Children from the village come and rattle my letterbox as a dare. How can I discourage them?
A They’re probably just bored, so you could persuade them to join a youth group – scouts or Young Farmers perhaps. Or you could just give them a whack with a broom handle.
Q My daughter’s guinea pig, Chip, is poorly. How do I prepare a six-year-old for the fact that he won’t be for ever.
A Tell her Chip is going to a nice warm hutch in the sky where he’ll have got lots of nice straw and lots of guinea pig friends. And that she ought to be grateful this isn’t South America or he’d have been eaten years ago.
Q I was at a funeral last week and the widow was, as youngsters put it, ‘giving me the eye’. What should I do?
A She’ll not be thinking straight. She’ll be distraught and emotionally vulnerable. The ideal time to make your move, in other words.
Q How can I cure my phobia of wasps?
A Try to remember wasp stings, although briefly painful, will do you no long term harm whatsoever. Unless it’s in the eye they sting you, in which case you can go blind. Or in the throat in which case you can die.
* Put your question to Farmer Frank at www.fwi.co.uk/forums