Farmer Frank dispenses some advice - Farmers Weekly

Subscribe and save

Farmers Weekly from £133
Saving £46
In print AND tablet

SUBSCRIBE NOW

sub_ad_img

Farmer Frank dispenses some advice

Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash.

Q I had a puncture the other evening. My young male passenger watched me – a grandmother – change the wheel, merely sitting in silence and staring out the window. Is this usual in today’s society?
A That’s terrible. Truly terrible. He must have been so bored. He should have at least turned the radio on.

Q What do you think about sex before marriage?
A I’m all for it – although obviously not immediately before. The dress will get in the way. And the other guests will be watching.

Q My neighbour has just got a Japanese Akita – it keeps me awake all night.
A Never seen the need for anyone to have an au pair myself.

Q Where’s the best place to get an overdraft?
A I always found the pub was the place I could most easily run one up.

Q Children from the village come and rattle my letterbox as a dare. How can I discourage them?
A They’re probably just bored, so you could persuade them to join a youth group – scouts or Young Farmers perhaps. Or you could just give them a whack with a broom handle.

Q My daughter’s guinea pig, Chip, is poorly. How do I prepare a six-year-old for the fact that he won’t be for ever.
A Tell her Chip is going to a nice warm hutch in the sky where he’ll have got lots of nice straw and lots of guinea pig friends. And that she ought to be grateful this isn’t South America or he’d have been eaten years ago.

Q I was at a funeral last week and the widow was, as youngsters put it, ‘giving me the eye’. What should I do?
A She’ll not be thinking straight. She’ll be distraught and emotionally vulnerable. The ideal time to make your move, in other words. 

Q How can I cure my phobia of wasps?
A Try to remember wasp stings, although briefly painful, will do you no long term harm whatsoever. Unless it’s in the eye they sting you, in which case you can go blind. Or in the throat in which case you can die.

* Put your question to Farmer Frank at www.fwi.co.uk/forums

Farmer Frank dispenses some advice

Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash:

Q How can I stop my neighbour’s cockerel waking us up every morning?

A Like all problems, there’s no substitute for an honest face-to-face exchange to talk through the issues and come to a mutually satisfactory conclusion. Be a damn sight quicker to just take it out with a .410 one night, though.

Q We have a fly-tipping problem. Every morning I discover a new pile of rubbish.

A I sympathise. I know how disconcerting piles can be.

Q How can I cure my phobia of crowds?

A Remember, statisically you’re no more in danger in a crowd than on your own. Unless, of course, you get trampled to death or crushed so you die by asphyxiation, one of the most painful ways imaginable to be killed.

Q I fear our local livestock market may be due to close. How can I help ensure its survival?

A It’s like all village services. You have to adopt a policy of “use it or lose it”. I’ve been enthusiastically doing this with our village pub for years. It’s very important if you don’t want to lose it, to use it at lunchtime and in the evening.

Q We’ve been getting birds in the grain store. Is this bad?

A Depends whether they’ve had blokes with them.

Q What’s going to happen to wheat prices?

A They’re definitely going to go up. Unless they go down. Or stay level.

Q My old German Shepherd has taken a fancy to a couple of orphan lambs. Is that unusual?

A No. Many dogs love lambs, but they should be properly cooked.

Q What time of year do you get cobnuts at?

A At my age, you get them all year round unfortunately.

Q What will you be giving up for lent?

A Cigarettes. After lent, I’ll be back on 40 a day though.

Q Is it true that for health reasons you shouldn’t sit more than a certain amount of time in front of a computer without a break?

A Yes. I work on a policy of 20 minutes in front of it, six months away from it.

Q How can I stop my children eating too much chocolate over Easter?

A Fill them up on something else first – like crisps.




blog comments powered by Disqus