Farmers Weekly‘s fictional agony uncle, Farmer Frank, has ruffled a few feathers since he began dispensing his homespun wisdom. After all, he’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But here are some more of his no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies.
I have eight children and, although they’re still young, I’m worried about how we’ll eventually divide the farm up. Can you give me a word of advice?
Yes – contraception.
We live in a 16th-century farmhouse which is purportedly haunted – there are strange movements in the night.
I get those and I live in a 1960s bungalow.
Would you consider going green?
I did once. Thank the Lord for NHS walk-in clinics, that’s all I can say.
What do you think of EBLEX?
Never had one. Prefer a cheap watch myself.
What do you think about the tax furore over bankers’ bonuses and Starbucks?
I hate bankers. And I’ll have a large latte please. Three sugars.
Do you believe in astrology?
No, it’s only Librans who believe in that tosh.
Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?
I read a page over a woman’s shoulder on the bus yesterday. She got off at the high street which is where I should have alighted, but I couldn’t get off for another four miles until I had “forgotten” what I read.
How can I get over my terror of birds?
The key is to remember is that only a tiny number of people are harmed by birds. Excluding those who catch a fatal disease from their excrement, of course, or have their eyes pecked out by their sharp, vicious beaks
With the average age of farmers at 58, how can we reach out to the younger generation?
I reached out to one at a party last month. The young lady in question gave me a slap. So much for the farming ladder.
What do people mean when they say revenge is a dish best served cold?
That it’s like trifle. You wouldn’t eat that hot, would you? Unlike bread and butter pudding, which is best served hot. Ideally with custard.
Frank, I have noticed your mind appears to be wandering and seems to lose focus.
The 2.30 at Ludlow.
What’s your view on global warming?
It’s baffling the world’s top scientists, but I put all these floods and droughts down to two things. Too much water. Then not enough water. Simple.