Farmer Frank - the agony uncle - Farmers Weekly

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Farmer Frank – the agony uncle

Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash

Q What would you do if you had shingles?
A Tarmac it over.

Q My neighbour has a leylandii tree which is stopping any sunlight reaching our living room.
A You may have some legal redress, in accordance with the “right of light” – an ancient principle established in case law. But it’s probably easier to wait until he’s next away on holiday, cut it down and claim it was a storm.

Q I’m terrified of flying and it means my husband and I can’t take the holiday of a lifetime we’ve always promised ourselves to New Zealand.
A Think positively. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Other than the plane developing a mechanical problem 30,000ft over the Pacific, of course, and every passenger on board plunging to their death.

Q I find it hard meeting people. What do you recommend?
A Internet dating. You can meet some right filthy sorts. So I’ve heard…

Q I had a drunken snog with my girlfriend’s 21-year-old sister and now I can’t stop thinking about her.
A I wouldn’t be able to either!

Q What would make a nice Mother’s Day gift?
A A new iron.

Q I have young grandchildren and find answering some of their questions difficult. Any tips?
A It’s a tough one. My grandkids are forever asking me: Grandpa, why did Grandma leave you? I usually tell the little blighters to go to their rooms and stop being so nosy.

Q My new girlfriend hates cats. Does this make us incompatible?
A No. Unless you run a cattery.

Q Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
A No, NHS cuts keep the doctor away. I should know, my old trouble’s playing up again.

Q I’ve heard it said that watching adult films can spice up your sex life. Is this true?
A The missus and me tried it once and it certainly didn’t work for us. There again, the only video we had was The Best of The Antiques Roadshow.

Ever wanted to talk to an agony uncle? If so, send your question to Farmer Frank …

Farmer Frank next appears in the 7 April issue of Farmers Weekly …

Farmer Frank – the agony uncle

Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash

Q: My older brother and I argue incessantly about the future of our farm. How can we resolve this?
A: Remember the words of Winston Churchill: “Jaw jaw is better than war war.” Presumably what he meant by this was two quick clean punches, one on either side of the face, can sort anyone out.

Q: I have a large mole in an embarrassing place. What should I do?
A: Shoot it.

Q: Courting couples use our barn – should we try and discourage this?
A: My wife was upset when the same thing started happening in our barn. There again, she did catch me red-handed.

Q: Are bald men sexier?
A: Than bald women – yes!

Q: Valentine’s Day is approaching. What would be a nice way to show my wife how much she means to me?
A: You could take her out for a special meal and a bottle of fine wine. Although, if you’re watching the pennies, restaurants can be pricey, so you could always skip the meal and just take her out for a few glasses of wine. Although, wine’s not cheap either, so maybe suggest she drinks beer (halves take longer to drink). Come to think of it, even beer’s not cheap these days – so maybe just go for a few pints on your own.

Q: I find I have insatiable desires towards virtually every man I meet.
A: Call me.

Q: I am a 79-year-old country woman, but am keen to make myself look nicer – after all, if you look good, you feel good. How can I do this?
A: No point polishing the port holes when the ship’s going down!

Q: Can you recommend a cure for insomnia?
A: Sleep.

Q: Dodgy builders have ruined our rear hall. Do I pay them?
A: No. There’s nothing worse than a problem with your back passage.

Q: My wife insists on feeding me prunes for breakfast. Should I eat them?
A: See the answer to the previous question.

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