Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash
Q My wife has got crow’s feet. Can she get rid of them?
A Dunno, never touch Chinese food myself.
Q My boyfriend wants to take me to the hay barn. Do I need to consider protection?
A Yes, I can’t emphasise too strongly the importance of protection. Hay spores can be very dangerous for your lungs, so you should wear a mask.
Q My son, Tarquin, is asking about visiting the zoo, but I am uncomfortable about the subliminal messages I may be sending about mankind’s abuse of our natural environment and arrogant attitude to the species with which we share the earth.
A Forget that, the polar bears are brilliant.
Q Do kippers keep?
A Keep repeating, yes.
Q I bumped into an old flame at the Royal Show this week. We said we’d see each other again at the event next year but I can’t wait that long. What should I do?
A You could meet up at another show. It’s not called the Game Fair for nothing!
Q I never see my husband during harvest.
A And your problem is?
Q Where does the saying ‘Not all those who wander are lost’ come from?
A I haven’t got a clue, but my ex-missus used to say it about me when I was making my way back from the pub.
Q How can I cure my phobia of doctors?
A Don’t get ill.
Q Harvest students always end up breaking my kit. I’m considering employing female students this year. I think they may be better with my tackle.
A Yes, but what will they be like with the machinery?
Q My father, a military man, has just passed on – should we bury him in uniform?
A My cousin was certainly laid to rest in his uniform. It seemed the right thing to do. He was, after all, a lollipop man all his life.