Farmers Weekly‘s fictional agony uncle, Farmer Frank, has ruffled a few feathers since he began dispensing his homespun wisdom. After all, he’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But here he dispenses more of his no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies.


What do you think of LAMMA?

Can’t bear the wretched things – what with the spitting and funny South American music. I’d much rather go to a good farm machinery show any day.

 

As a farmshop owner, I was recently told at a conference that I should “get closer to the customer”. How can I do this?

Don’t ask me. I tried to get closer to a customer last year and ended up with a police caution.


I have a fear of water – can you help me overcome this?

Try to remember that water-related injuries and deaths are extremely rare. Other than for the people who drown, of course. And there are lots of those.


A relative of mine always answers questions obtusely. Is this rare?

Herring.


Does the phone hacking scandal cover your role as an agony uncle in a farming magazine?

No. And I can’t see why anyone would want to use their mobile while they’re on a horse anyway.


Have you ever tweeted?

No. But I once squealed in a high-pitched voice when a goose took me by surprise.


Should I hedge my single farm payment?

I reckon you’d be better off spending the money on a fence.


Have you ever thought about standing for office at the NFU?

Not sure about the role of president or deputy – but reckon I could manage “vice”.


A restaurant specialising in nouveau cuisine has opened in our village – is it worth approaching them about my beef?

Yes. You could always mention the farm cat while you’re there, too.


Should we get out of Europe?

Never mind getting out of it – I’ve never even been into it.


Is it true the tenanted sector has shrivelled dramatically in recent years?

Sadly, that’s not all that can be said of…


Did you used to burn stubble?

Yes. One of the occupational hazards of smoking rollies, I’m afraid.


What do you think of Big Brother?

I’d rather not talk about him. We haven’t spoken since that dispute over a bit of land in 1989.


Read more of Farmer Frank online.