Farmers Weekly‘s fictional agony uncle, Farmer Frank, has ruffled a few feathers since he began dispensing his homespun wisdom. After all, he’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But here he dispenses more of his no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies

What do you think of Farmers Weekly‘s hospital food campaign?

When I was having my knee done, they tried to give me green beans from Kenya. Think of all the damage to the ozone. And I’m not talking about the air miles, either, I mean from the terrible wind they’d have given me.

What did you think about the horse/burger scandal?

I was disgusted. I lost £100 at the Derby this year, then was charged £6 for a burger on the way home.

Will water storage be a big issue for farmers in the future?

Never mind the future, it’s a problem for me now. I’m up three times, most nights.

Are you hoping for CAP reform?

No chance. I’m very happy with my hat.

I have an unusual phobia called “ombrophobia” which means I’m terrified of rain. It’s ruining my life – what can I do about this?

You never heard of an umbrella?

I’d like to see if I could get my products stocked in the local supermarket. Any tips on how to approach it?

From the front. Through the main doors. It’s quite simple, this stuff.

Would you consider farming abroad?

No. Think how long it would take me to get back to the bungalow at night.

How should I approach succession planning as regards my son?

It’s important to get him involved in the business early otherwise he might feel marginalised. Let him start making decisions as soon as he reaches a reasonably mature age – I suggest when he’s about 65.

Should I buy a deer farm?

No. But a cheap one.

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