Meet our fictional therapist, Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash
Q I’ve got a crush on a guy who is going to be at the Farmers Weekly Awards later this month, would it be improper to ask him to dance at the event?
A If you don’t ask, you don’t get. But remember, he’ll probably smell of silage and cow muck. There again, you might do, too.
Q I’ve got the weekend off and plan to spend it in The Wheatsheaf, but need to be ready for work on Monday, so what’s the best cure for hangovers?
A According to the scientists, honey is good for fighting hangovers. Other people swear by a long walk. Personally, though, I’d just ring a sickie and stay in bed all day.
Q I think small dogs are a total waste of time, but I’ve got this female friend who adores chihuahuas. I fear they are getting in the way of her social life.
A I hate chihuahuas. My missus had one which once did something unmentionable in the basin. At least, I hope it was the chihuahua.
Q I want to be the first ever woman president of the NFU… what do I need to do to get elected?
A Funny you should say that, I was talking about this subject with my niece the other day. She was talking about the so-called “glass ceiling” for women. Not sure if it was the right time for her to be rattling on about interior design when we were supposed to be having a serious chat about careers and sexism.
Q I am a pensioner who spends all my time at the computer visiting forums, chat rooms and blogging. How can I find time to do any farming?
A Forums and chat rooms can be addictive, so beware. I’ve heard of this “blogging” lark and I certainly can’t approve of it – it sounds disgusting! A man of your age, too, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Q My ewes are not quite as senior as your venerable self, but their teeth are not as good. What is your secret?
A I clean my teeth very regularly and always have done (once a week on a Sunday night, the same routine as for changing my underwear.)
Q Farmer Frank, I think I’m falling for you. I lie awake thinking about you at night.
A My missus often says I give her sleepless nights, so I guess it’s not unusual. Please send me a photo. And do you own your own farm?