5 January 2001

WHAT DOES 2001

Forget all that stuff about Venus being in the ascendant and the

Sun emphasising Plutos tendency to make you grumpy on

Thursdays. Old Seths 2001 Farming Horoscope gives it to you

straight, telling you exactly what will happen and when

AQUARIUS

Jan 21-Feb 19

May 15: MAFFs new £15m satellite-based crop-checking system will mistake your prize 20 acres of winter beans for cannabis. You will subsequently find hordes of wild-eyed, obviously stoned, people wandering about

your fields, including three past

ministers of agriculture.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22-Jan 20

June 12: The youth you took on as harvest help and who you regularly swear at for his feckless ways and poor speech will turn out to be Prince William on a work experience project. However, you will turn a potentially awkward encounter to your advantage by inviting his dad down to give a couple of fields of rather thin spring barley a good talking-to.

Dec 6: The Inland Revenue will spot that you have not paid any tax on your farm profits for the last three years and demand all the back-tax in one go. After months of intense

calculation, they will decide the total amount owed is £4.75. You will give the inspector a fiver and hell go away entirely happy.

Oct 2: You will be invited on to the Jerry Springer daytime TV show. However, instead of the heated debate about agricultural subsidies you expected, a loud woman from Florida will announce that you

are the bisexual father of her

four children and demand $10,000/month compensation.

A loud woman from Florida will announce that you are the

bisexual father of her four children.