Farmer Frank – never knowingly politically correct

Meet our agony uncle with a difference, Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash

Q I’m trying to impress a lady. Any suggestions?
A Take her for a day out. Something romantic, something she’ll never forget. I’d have taken her to the Grassland and Muck event. Then told her how much she meant to me in the wet muck area.

Q A neighbour is talking about opening a camping site on his farm. I’m worried about the influx of tourists. What should I do?
A The fear of the unknown is often worse than the reality. Hear his case, then go through all the pros and cons with your local planning officer. Actually, bugger all that – just start a rumour that you’re opening an abattoir on your farm.

Q Can you recommend a good way to cook pike?
A It’s nice in an ale sauce. Ten parts ale to one part pike, I’d suggest. In fact, forget the pike, just drink the ale.

Q What do you think about the agricultural views of Chancellor Alistair Darling?
A I don’t know this Alistair bloke. And don’t call me darling.

Q My daughter’s guinea pig has just died. To make things worse, it’s her birthday this weekend. How should we approach the situation?
A Combine a pet funeral with a birthday barbecue. They’re a delicacy in Papua New Guinea, you know.

Q Our farmhouse roof is sagging and hangs low with a faded mottled damp colour.
A I know the feeling.

Q A Romanian family has moved into our village. Will they all be heavy drinkers?
A That’s a gross, sweeping generalisation. It’s also a little xenophobic. Everyone knows it’s the Russians who are all permanently drunk on vodka. The Romanians are all people smugglers.

Q Is it a bad year for barley yellow dwarf virus?
A Dunno. But I once saw a circus act called something like that.

Q How can I cure my phobia of water?
A Remember, your chances of dying in a water-related incident are statistically tiny. Unless you go on a boat – when you’re almost guaranteed to drown.

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