Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash
Q: My older brother and I argue incessantly about the future of our farm. How can we resolve this?
A: Remember the words of Winston Churchill: “Jaw jaw is better than war war.” Presumably what he meant by this was two quick clean punches, one on either side of the face, can sort anyone out.
Q: I have a large mole in an embarrassing place. What should I do?
A: Shoot it.
Q: Courting couples use our barn – should we try and discourage this?
A: My wife was upset when the same thing started happening in our barn. There again, she did catch me red-handed.
Q: Are bald men sexier?
A: Than bald women – yes!
Q: Valentine’s Day is approaching. What would be a nice way to show my wife how much she means to me?
A: You could take her out for a special meal and a bottle of fine wine. Although, if you’re watching the pennies, restaurants can be pricey, so you could always skip the meal and just take her out for a few glasses of wine. Although, wine’s not cheap either, so maybe suggest she drinks beer (halves take longer to drink). Come to think of it, even beer’s not cheap these days – so maybe just go for a few pints on your own.
Q: I find I have insatiable desires towards virtually every man I meet.
A: Call me.
Q: I am a 79-year-old country woman, but am keen to make myself look nicer – after all, if you look good, you feel good. How can I do this?
A: No point polishing the port holes when the ship’s going down!
Q: Can you recommend a cure for insomnia?
Q: Dodgy builders have ruined our rear hall. Do I pay them?
A: No. There’s nothing worse than a problem with your back passage.
Q: My wife insists on feeding me prunes for breakfast. Should I eat them?
A: See the answer to the previous question.