Farmer Frank – the fictional therapist

Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash

Q Ever since I was young, I’ve been terrified of geese. We have two geese living in the farmyard. Every day is a trauma. Any suggestions?
A Yes, goose with sausage, onion and garlic stuffing.  

Q I’m 33, my partner is 86. Does this age gap matter?
A No, successful relationships are about people’s personalities, not their age – and couples can be compatible regardless of how big the age gap is. That said, maybe get a commode just to be on the safe side.

Q My husband comes in every night smelling of pigs. What should I do?
A Either ditch the pigs or ditch your husband. If only for financial reasons, the former may be preferable.

Q My daughter’s rabbit died this morning. What words should I use when breaking the news to her – is it best to say “passed on” or “gone to rabbit heaven” or “gone to the big hutch in the sky”?
A Tell her the thing stunk and she can finally have a pony now like she’s always wanted!

Q I recently received a windfall from a distant relative. Do you have any advice on how I should invest it?
A My mate Tip reckons the 3.30 at Ludlow’s a sure-fire winner.

Q I fear I may be falling for my boyfriend’s identical twin brother. Help!
A Relax, no one will notice.

Q Sometimes in the mornings I get bad headaches. Any ideas?
A Have more water with it.

Q I think my girlfriend is being unfaithful, what should I do?
A Like my old mate Bill used to say: “Lay yourself a trap, my boy.” Although, sadly, Bill meant it literally and was sent to prison for four years after the woman concerned fell into the pit he had dug and broke a number of bones.

Q What’s the best way of finding out if I’m short-sighted?
A How many fingers have I got up?

Q You once gave me some advice that turned out to be inaccurate, unhelpful and inadequate.
A How many fingers have I got up?

Ever wanted to talk to an agony uncle? If so, send your question to Farmer Frank …

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