FW’s agony uncle Farmer Frank is at it again

Meet out fictional therapist Farmer Frank who dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies.

Q My sex life has become stale. Is it worth suggesting to my wife we liven things up – perhaps I could do it subtly by suggesting we try something “fruity or spicy”?
A I tried the same with my ex-missus once. She made me an apple pie with cinnamon. And then told me not to get any funny ideas.

Q An elderly relative has just died leaving a few hundred pounds in their will, although not a penny to me. Should I contest this?
A When a loved one dies, money should be the last thing on your mind. Don’t risk falling out with your nearest and dearest over something as ephemeral and trite as mere money.

Q An elderly relative has just died leaving £100,000 in their will, although not a penny to me. Should I contest this?
A Fight it all the way. Take them to the cleaners.

Q A gang of youths has begun hanging round our village hall, playing loud music and smoking. How should I deal with this?
A Engage with them, they’re nearly adults. Talk to them, listen to them and make constructive suggestions. Actually, it’s probably better to simply threaten to thump the little buggers if they don’t move on.

Q I discovered a bill-for-two from a Chinese restaurant in my husband’s overall pocket. Should I be suspicious?
A Definitely. I’m always suspicious of Chinese restaurants. You don’t see many Alsatians living nearby, do you!

Q I’m a teenager who likes playing chess and watching history programmes. People hate me and I worry I’m not normal.
A There’s no such thing as normal. Everyone’s different – that’s what makes the world such a wonderful diverse place. Frankly, though, you do sound a bit of a freak.

Q How can I cure my agoraphobia?
A Try to remember that the outdoors and open space are, statistically, far safer than indoors. Unless you get run over. Or mugged. Or struck by lightning. Or hit by a train.

Q I get called Big Nose at school. It’s really getting to me. Will I always have to put up with mickey-taking?
A That’s so cruel. It’s also very unoriginal. Concorde would be funnier.

Q There has been a spate of dog-napping in this area. How can I avoid becoming a victim of this heinous crime?
A Get a cat.