TALKING POINT
TALKING POINT
Yes, its awards time
again and the lucky
recipients can thank
Charlie Flindt
GOOD grief! Can it really be a whole year since the last Flindt Awards? It must be, for once again the cream of the farming fraternity is crammed into the Flindt Towers Entertainment and Leisure Centre (on the left past the silage bales, mind the puddles) to witness this prestigious event. CNN is ready, Sky is ready, the Hinton Ampner Cable Network is ready, so without further ado, lets crack on with the show.
The Haskins Award (Best Advice To Get You Through The Farming Crisis): "Make sure you spend money wisely and that you do things at the right time" said the man from the ADAS Agriknowledge roadshow. What words of wisdom for those of us who up to now have been committed to spending our money stupidly and doing everything at the wrong time. Thank goodness for the experts.
The UHU Award (Stickiest Gooiest Agrochemical): The same winner as for the past umpteen years, Stomp. A combination of unbelievable adhesion to the can, violent orange staining and cost-effective weed control make this, once again, a popular winner. (Thatll be a tenner on my tab at the Jolly Flowerpots, please, Cyanamid)
The USAF Award (Accurate Map-reading) goes to the lorry driver who rang from Sussex to check where to find us. "Give us a ring when you get to Alresford" I told him. Four hours later, the phone rang. "Im in Alresford; where to now?" "Five miles south, and youll find Hinton Ampner," I explained. "Five miles south? Ill be in the North Sea!" he pointed out. "Ah," I said. "Youve successfully made it to Alresford, Essex, rather than Alresford, Hants." I finally loaded him the next day. Runner-up in this category is the driver who was late because hed missed the turning to Hinton Ampner. Not accidentally, but because "it looked a bit narrow."
The Sir Clive Sinclair C5 Award (for excellence in electrical work).
Scooped this year by sparkies who rushed out to do high speed repairs to the starter on the fan in our blow-empty storage bins. Good job, boys – its just that the wires went back the wrong way and my wheat was treated to 45hp of suck.
The Only Reason For Watching The Weather Forecast Award goes to Isobel Lang, for her flaming red hair and a natty line in tight bolero jackets. I wonder if shes allowed to do weather forecasts as an after dinner comedy turn? Were short of a speaker for our Cricket Club Dinner.
The Duke of Westminster Award For Considerate Landlords: Im delighted to honour the National Trust with this one, for three reasons. First, it has at last stopped going on about "organic" this and "public access" that. Second, its land agent for this area knows about farming and the countryside. Could there be a link to the first reason? Third, it is showing enormous patience when it comes to rent. Bless em.
The Killjoy Award goes to the producer of the Cheriton Players variety show. I was delighted to lead the Worzel tribute band, but very upset that I was not allowed to do an extra verse in Combine Harvester, which featured lyrics about our past and present ministers and MAFF/DEFRA. Apparently it was sexist, homophobic and obscene. I thought it was the work of a troubled genius.
The Cant Believe Were Still Here Award goes to all who survived last winters weather, foot-and-mouth, BSE, pointless politicians and witless officials, derisory prices and morale-sapping paperwork. Lets hope and pray were all still here after another 12 months.
Merry Christmas.