farmer frank

Farmers Weekly’s fictional agony uncle, Farmer Frank, has ruffled a few feathers since he began dispensing his homespun wisdom. After all, he’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. He’s had a break recently (actually, he’s been refusing to work unless we put his rate up) but he’s back to answer some more rural conundrums

Do you think farming is on TV enough?

No. I’d like to see far more. I’d like a once-a-night show presented by that Tess Daly off Strictly. I would have said twice-a-night but you have to be realistic at my age. Actually, thinking about it, make it weekly.

How do you combat spray drift?

How dare you ask such a personal question.

My son is at ag college and virtually lives on takeaways. How can I get him to eat more healthily?

You could remind him of the old saying – “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”. There again, my son-in-law is a doctor and nothing seems to keep him away. The lazy, scrounging git.

What’s your view on drones?

You sound like my Mrs, she often uses that word in connection with me. She tells me that’s all I do all day. I disagree – I do a lot of other stuff, like nap in front of Cash in the Attic and talk about the 1976 harvest.

What’s the best bit of advice you’ve ever been given?

Never share good advice. All you’re doing is reducing your competitive advantage.

I find it hard focusing – perhaps I’m working too hard. Does this ever happen to you?

Absolutely not. I’ll have three nice bits of brisket please.

I am opening a farm shop – how should I approach the regulation and legislation minefield?

Read extensively, take advice and always stay on the right side of both the spirit and the letter of the law. Either that, or wing it and hope you never get found out.

Can you recommend a cheap agricultural solicitor?

I’m an agony uncle not a miracle worker.

I’d like to put the passion back in my relationship – any tips?

I often have a romantic night in with my dvd on the history of sheep hefting in the Lake District. A nice bite to eat, a few drinks, the lights down low – it seems to work a treat. In fact, it’s so enjoyable, I might even start inviting the wife along.

Should I join the TFA or the NFU?

I get muddled up with all those wretched acronyms. I went into the music bit of WHSmiths the other day and asked for an AHDB record. I then wrote to AC/DC complaining about the way they collect levy money.

What’s your replacement policy for tractors?

The same as it is for pants. When they fall to pieces, keep them for another two years, then replace them.

See also: Agony uncle Farmer Frank on fracking and phobias