Opinion: The sound of a farmhouse intrusion

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I knew the payment of the SFP must be imminent when the NFU started putting out warnings about phone scams – people ringing up trying to get you to transfer your money to them by posing as your bank or the police.

Perhaps part of the clue that it is a scam is that someone is ringing you up on your landline. Normal people don’t appear to do that so much any more. Of course, not all callers are scammers, but they are not often people you particularly want to speak to either.

We have been signed up to the no cold calling scheme for years. But every day we still get at least half a dozen unsolicited calls from people we don’t know trying to sell us things we don’t want. 

I was brought up in a household where the customary reaction to the sound of the telephone ringing was to stop whatever you were doing (no matter how important) and either

Elizabeth Elder and her husband Jake run sheep and cattle on 235ha of hill ground on the Otterburn Firing Range in Northumberland.

a) sprint to the phone, which would be inconveniently situated somewhere particularly cold and at least two rooms away, or

b) with increasing urgency on each ring, persuade, cajole or beg someone else to do this for you.

Missing a call was a matter of great regret – it may have been important.

My husband is still of this mindset, maybe because he is usually working outside and hasn’t yet been driven up the wall by the needless and annoying interruptions.

In contrast, I am almost at the point of ignoring the lot, on the basis that if it’s important, they will leave a message or ring again. Almost. This is a business and we do need to be contactable.

Furthermore, the numbers of some important contacts (including the army camp informing us of the end of firing) show as “withheld”, so it is not always easy to screen out the duds.

The problem is that not only have I been brought up to answer the phone, I also feel somehow obliged to give a human caller a hearing. This is why the recorded messages about PPI are in some ways a relief – you just terminate the call without a second thought. When it’s someone in their first job in a call centre I don’t want to be rude.

See also: Farmers’ road behaviour reflects on the whole industry

So far we haven’t had too much trouble with scammers. There are regular calls purporting to be from the Microsoft Security Department about my computer. I usually tell them that they are not from Microsoft and suggest that they try getting an honest job. We have also had calls about the non-existent car accident we apparently had last year; this justifies simply hanging up.

Handling sales calls relating to property is OK. To people selling insulation, new kitchens, double glazing, “green energy solutions” or advising that the government would like to buy us a new boiler, I find the magic words “we are tenants” bring matters to an immediate and satisfactory conclusion. The caller is usually very pleasant and sorry for disturbing me.

However, utilities salesmen are very difficult to shake. They seem to take the phrases “we have just changed”, “we signed a new contract” or “we already use a broker” as a challenge. I would walk straight by them if they had a stall in the street, so why do I have to give them my undivided attention in my house? 

It would be great if you could make your phone give out the equivalent of the “No reps” signs people used to put on their doors. Maybe a sharp blast down the line with a whistle would have that effect.

Anyway, I have to go – the phone is ringing.