January

Jupiter will be repulsed by Mars, causing you to be unsettled in the middle of the month. Meanwhile, the cat will be repulsed by a bit of road-kill it”s eaten, causing it to be sick on the carpet. There will be a strange planetary circulation which will affect your own circulation. Beware, your extremities will be at risk. Wear thick socks.

February

A Libran carrying a clipboard will mysteriously appear on the farm. Be cautious around him, he may be from the Health and Safety. This may be a month of conflict – especially in the days immediately after the hunting ban comes into effect. You find you suddenly have a new perspective on the world (you”ve been meaning to clean those windows for ages).

March

You”ll find yourself reconnecting with the natural world – or maybe this is just because it”s lambing time. Sleep will be in short supply, and grievances between you and loved ones may surface. A full moon will cause you to be short-tempered, while a full down pipe will cause the gutters to overflow. Your kids will become distant. You will be unable to talk to them. They”ll spend hours locked away, alone, unreachable. Don”t worry, it”s just the latest reality tv show.

April

Uranus is moving in a new trajectory. This will cause freak weather, including high winds (or maybe that”s just the chicken jalfrezi). You will meet someone who will become an influential figure in your life. Befriend him: this man is special. He”s your new bank manager. Meanwhile, extricate yourself from complicated affairs of the heart. That bloke you met at Young Farmers isn”t for you. He”s only interested in your dad”s farm. Kick him resolutely into touch (unless, of course, his family are big landowners).

May

A time of fertility: grass will be lush and one of the dogs will have pups (the dog that was supposed to have been spayed). Strangers will descend on the farm and striking up an acquaintance with them could pay dividends (especially if they”re tourists and you point them in the direction of the farm shop).

June

You will be confronted with the past. It may not be nice. Yes, your son is back from agricultural college. He will bring bad news (and a car-load of washing) and will lean heavily on you (for money). The fridge will become suddenly empty.

July

A month of trials, with day after day of rain testing your patience. Try to smile. Buy an umbrella. Fix the window on the Land Rover. The sheep will escape on the 14th of the month (actually that”ll be no surprise, they escape every day!) You will see things in a new way. You always knew you needed glasses.

August

Your husband will become a stranger. Then you”ll remember why: He is working all hours! A time to cast off conventions and liberate yourself: yes, take off that boilersuit if there”s a heat wave. Think carefully before wearing shorts, though. White legs are a magnet for midges.

September

The house will seem suddenly seem quiet and tidy, mainly because your son has disappeared back to agricultural college – not, of course, before he”s emptied the contents of the larder, tapped you for a loan and pranged the car. Try to be pragmatic – you never will see that loan again.

October

A time of conflict. The herdsman will demand a pay rise. You”ll try telling him the same as last year – that he”s paid over the odds, as it is; he tells you what he said last year, that he”s got bills to pay. Money will also be an issue in the farm shop. Mrs Walker will demand a refund, complaining about her tomatoes. Try to resist telling her what you told her last time she complained.

November

You will have many meetings with a stranger. Your accountant. His bills will be those of a typical Gemini: unpredictable. One time they”ll be big, another time they”ll be massive! Old grievances may surface in the farmyard between you and a neighbour, and something unsavoury may surface in the garden when the septic tank overflows. Strange lights will appear in the night-time sky sometime around the 5th of the month.

December

Your social life will take a turn for the better, with the Christmas party season. You will develop a lot of headaches in the mornings. Strange men may come from the East. Don”t worry, they”re probably just reps. You”ll enjoy family time – well, you will enjoy the first few days; but the first argument will begin at 7.32pm on Boxing Day. Old family grievances could prove to be a source of tension, as will the remote control.