Meet our agony uncle with a difference, Farmer Frank. He's not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash
Q: How can I keep the pigeons off my vegetable patch?
A: One humane way is to hang old CDs on bits of string Ð they find the reflections unsettling. I prefer, however, to blast them into smithereens with a 12-bore.
Q: What's your view on organic?
A Wouldn't know. Haven't had one for years.
Q: How much coffee is bad for your health?
A: One cup, if you're my mate Reg. He got hit by a bus coming out of Starbucks.
Q: I worry my boyfriend is a womaniser. Last week, I heard him say to a young lady in the village pub: "There must be two stars missing from the sky because they're in your eyes." What should I do?
A: God knows, but thanks for the line – I'll try that one on Edna.
Q: How can I cure my phobia of crowds?
A: Remember, you're probably statistically safer in a crowd situation than when you're on your own. Unless the crowd turns nasty, of course, panics and crushes you – in which case you'll die a violent, painful death.
Q: How many fried breakfasts is it safe to eat a week?
A: I'd limit it to seven.
Q: We're burying my granny next week. What's the etiquette on clothing?
A: Doesn't matter – no one's going to see what the old girl's wearing once she's in the coffin.
Q: Our rabbit keeps trying to mount the guinea pig – how can I answer my young son who keeps asking what little Perky's doing?
A: You could say theyre playing piggy-back. Although I take the view your son's got to learn sometime, so you could just say little Perky's a randy little scrote who should know better and that he can try all he likes but isn't going to get anywhere. Which, come to think of it, is exactly what my missus used to say to me.
Q: We are considering diversifying into bed and breakfast. What will we need?
A: I'd suggest a bed. And some breakfast.
Q: It seems ever more bureaucracy comes out of Europe? What's your view of Brussels?
A: Can't get on with them myself – they give me terrible wind.
Q: A girl I've fancied for ages has invited me round for dinner. Should I take anything?
A: Fish and chips, a bottle of Liebfraumilch and a DVD of Mutiny on the Buses – she'll be putty in your hands.
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