May 2010 Archives

Right.  I wrote a whole bloody entry and it vanished.  Take two.  I hope that I can remember what I said.  It's like having to repeat yourself to an old person who is hard of hearing, you can't help being a little bit more arsey the second that you say it.

I am now a dog owner.  We won't go into the whole story that prompted this decision, suffice to say it has happened quickly.  I needed a breed that is healthy, intelligent, friendly, which produces a small, firm stool and that can be kept of the top of the console in a John Deere 6830 (the dog, I mean, not the stool)

I chose a Norwich terrier, he is ten weeks old.  I am on paternity leave today.  I have to stop typing every few minutes to retrieve an oven glove or a shoe.

We always kept dogs throughout my childhood (my grandfather was a labrador breeder, actually) but no one in the family has owned a dog for years.  I can't remember the last time that I stood in a dog turd.

When you get out of the habit of owning a dog the decision to start again is not a light one.  I have become used to a pretty high standard of cleanliness and order in my domestic affairs.  I was in danger of becoming mildly OCD, you will have noted that from the regular entries about my laundry.

Keep your eyes peeled for changes to my personality.  Obviously I won't be putting up any more dogs in wigs.  In the same way that people stop laughing at paedophile jokes when they become parents, it just doesn't feel right anymore.

Similarly I am hoping to avoid mentioning the "hilarious episodes" of the house training process.  (If you want toilet humour David Mitchell's column in today's Guardian is pretty good).  We all know that animal ownership can make a person cloyingly sentimental, I hope to avoid this consequence.  I have trained an ex-sniper to follow me around and if I am talking about clearing up dog litter too much or if I refer to myself as "Daddy" then I have instructed him to take a head shot.

I have been soooo busy.  Life has been great lately (and really interesting) so I guess I should have been telling you all about it.  I haven't had time.  My car ended up in Stamford and I couldn't find the time to collect it for a nearly week. Luckily for you, we bloggers hang out together so you can read about a few of my exploits elsewhere and elsewhere.

Right.  Let's get caught up because there's some BIG news on the way.

The news headlines from the last five days are 

1    I went to my first LEAF board meeting (see, you didn't know that I had become a trustee, did you?).  I have got plenty to tell you about that.

2    I went to a flower show in London.  You won't have heard of it - the BBC haven't covered it much this year.  Penny, who creates our stand in the main pavillion, won a 14th consecutive gold medal (she's bloody brill).

3    We have eventually started harvesting delphiniums but in very small volumes.  Like everything else they are flowering a week later than usual and our customers are pulling their hair out due to the shortage this week.  We should be very busy by the second half of next week.

4    Chris, my right-hand man on the farm, passed his Basis exams on Tuesday and is now a qualified vegetable and potato agronomist.  I was pretty confident when an envelope with a cardboard back arrived with his name on it - they don't usually send a "fail" certificate.  He worked very hard to get it.  He celebrated by getting food poisoning, bless him, and is feeling pretty grotty.

5    The new front door surround has been fitted to my house (photos to follow).

6    I went to a meeting at M&S HQ for the first time (it's very industrial but the coffee is fantastic)

7    Julian Hughes, a Nuffield Scholar who grows daffodils in Southern Ireland, came to stay and look around the farm.

8    I went to Norfolk one night to look at a Mercedes G Wagen which was for sale (I have always wanted one.  I'm livin' in the 80's.  Ashes to Ashes is partly to blame.  RIP Gary Coleman by the way, he's taken the opportunity to cash in on the whole 80's revival)

9     My Mum and Dad celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary

10   I was interviewed yesterday for a Royal Agricultural Societies Award.  I took the assessors (two august industry figures) around the farm and we went home for afternoon tea. I didn't have much time to prepare (less still to make any scones) so we had some dry fruitcake from the village shop.  I couldn't decide whether it would be appropriate to serve tea in my Carry on Film mugs or whether to get out my fancy china which is tiny; like a seven year old girl would use for a "pretend" tea party. 

That's some of the highlights anyway.  I have actually been doing some work too.  We have been drilling flowers and we have given the new potato coldstore the green light so building work will be starting in the next few weeks.

I know it is a little foolhardy to say this but here goes.  "So far this has been the easiest year of farming that I have ever known."

When you make a remark like that you are almost asking for a 6 inch downpour or for the transmission to fail in your biggest tractor.

The weather has been more or less suitable to establish all of our crops and our machinery has all performed as it was supposed to.  I have been better organised and prepared than I usualy am tool.

This isn't hubris, I'm not showing off.  We aren't making a great deal of money and we still have a lot of room for improvement.  I'm just trying to show a bit of gratitude

The Relfster is resting his paws and Caroline is driving Catchat this week.  In case you are late to the party, we always have a little war of whimsy in these circumstances to see which of us can find the most absurd animal image.

I'm setting the bar low with this one.  Not sure who took the photo.  If you know them perhaps you would like to let down the tyres of their car or something.

We've not had a dog in a wig for a while.  I haven't had any complaints about the omission so I'm guessing that this is rather suiting you.

What about a dog AS a wig?

Yes? Is that what you were looking for, Sir?  Does that tickle your pickle?

I'm a pro-European.  Let's get that bit of info out and wave it around before we start.

The fact that UKIP only polled 3% of the vote demonstrates that I am not alone in my opinion.

There are several Labour/Lib Dem seats in Britain (it could be well over 20) where the number of UKIP votes polled was greater than the majority of the winning candidate.  Confused? Sorry I explained that in the style of Manuel, the Spanish waiter.  Basically had all the UKIP voters opted for the Conservative candidate there would have been a clear Conservative majority, Meester Fawlty.

I'm assuming that most UKIP voters are disillusioned Tories - their candidates always are.  But isn't the Tory party eurosceptic anyway?  UKIP therefore only exists to kick itself up the bum. 

What we need at the moment is clear leadership and a strong vision for the UK's financial situation so all the single issue parties have made this mess.  The hung parliament/deal brokering going on is the last thing that we wanted and I am losing respect for the Lib Dems as a result.  They talk about electoral reform much more than in the real issues of state.  They were described on Radio 4 yesterday as being more like a pressure group than a political party and it made me chuckle. 

It is clear that most people go into politics because they enjoy debating and not because they enjoy governance.  Politics is becoming too political, can we just have some leadership instead, please.

I spent a bit of time on a tractor today.  I always enjoy the first hour of driving a tractor but then I get a bit bored.  I depend pretty heavily on there being something good on the radio after that.

I wanted to complete the field that I was cultivating before I came home for tea.  Once it got to 6pm I was thoroughly fed up (this being Friday and all.  And I stayed up on the sofa all last night watching the election).

This was the point that at least half a dozen swallows suddenly started playfully circling the tractor.  It was a wonderful spectacle. 

I sat on the sofa all last night watching the election coverage.  It still seems so disappointingly vague.

I am pleased that the Green Party has gained a seat in Parliament.  Amusingly, perhaps, England has a conclusive Tory majority, the only reason that we are faced with a hung parliament is because of the Scotland and Welsh constituencies.  Haven't we already paid a fortune for devolved parliaments in these places? 

Goodness knows what impact the uncertainty will have on the value of sterling, although I can see positives either way, if it weakens yet further it will help our export prices (in the unlikely chance of it strengthening, I might treat myself to a European holiday). 

General Elections, eh?

I'm veering between excitement, boredom and rage as each day passes.  I have never been so undecided about how to vote nor so uninspired by the choice of candidates.

I have regarded the leadership debates as largely irrelevant to my decision-making since none of the leaders are standing in my constitueny.  None of them were leading their party at the last general election either which shows how mistaken most voters are if they think that their ballot paper allows them to vote for the next Prime Minister.

I sat on the Farmers Union panel which interviewed all of the prospective candidates for our constituency.  Two of them didn't show up (including the sitting Tory MP) and the other two didn't impress.  Had she lived in the constituency or responded to the three telephone calls from the NFU, I may have voted for the Lib Dem.

I am right-wing by instinct but I can't bring myself to vote for them.  While it is easy to be angry with this government, my father and I were (uncharacteristically) discussing their achievements yesterday.  We had to concede that since new Labour came in we have had a new hospital and a new university campus built within six miles of our business, we can get 0% interest loans for green investment (through the carbon trust), most of the training that we do for our staff is 75% grant funded, we have had a new road connecting Spalding to the A1. There is also a much greater sense of social justice and a less prejudiced society - the introduction of civil partnerships was something we wouldn't have seen under a Conservative government. 

Our local Tory MP, meanwhile, opposes the migrant labour on whom the local food industry depends, he opposes local power generation from wind turbines, he makes homophobic jokes in after-dinner speeches and he leaves farmers sitting around like lemons at pre-arranged meetings.  I couldn't give a monkeys about issues like fox hunting but matters like making my business competitive and energy sufficient matter to me, so too my right to live with whom I please.

Fifteen years ago, I never would have believed that I would be writing this. 

If I still can't make up my mind next Thursday, has anyone got any suggestions what I can draw on my ballot paper to spoil it?