Agony uncle Farmer Frank is back

Farmers Weekly‘s fictional agony uncle, Farmer Frank, has ruffled a few feathers since he began dispensing his homespun wisdom. After all, he’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But here he dispenses more of his no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies

I want to start doing bed and breakfast. What do I need?

A bed would be a good start. And some breakfast.

Is it good form to wear a kilt at Scottish shows?

I did at the Royal Highland, although I knew climbing that stile was a mistake. Trade at the hot dog van opposite never recovered.

Car insurance for a young person like me in the countryside is extortionate – any tips on reducing my premium?

Use public transport for 10 years, then get another quote. It’ll probably be much cheaper.

What do you think about Joe Public?

Never met him. The general public are a right bunch of gits though.

My son, a shy farmer, is marrying a woman from Thailand who he met on the internet. Is there any etiquette for when we first meet the bride-to-be?

Yes, shake his hand.

My granddad has just moved in with us and he’s brought his pair of canaries, but the noise is driving me mad. I want to quieten the birds and demonstrate to him that he’s a guest in our house. How can I do this?

Kill two birds with one stone. Literally.

My bank manager has asked to see me next week – any idea what it could be about?

Firstly, don’t worry. It could be anything. Although, it’s probably that your business is irreversibly plummeting downwards into bankruptcy.

My daughter’s much-loved black-and-white guinea pig has just died – she wants to get it stuffed as a tribute we can keep. Is this a good idea?

It’ll be cheaper to bung it in the freezer. Just make sure you don’t get it muddled up with the Vienetta, though.

I cleared out our farmhouse attic the other day and found a glorious Georgian table. It was amazing, all the history in that one piece of furniture – merely holding it was lovely. Have you ever handled an antique piece?

I do very little else these days.

Read more of Farmer Frank’s musings and ask him a question on our dedicated page.

Follow Farmer Frank on Twitter at @FarmerFrankFW for more advice and rural remedies.

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