Elizabeth Elder: On the meaning of life and Christmas shopping
How many hill farmers does it take to change a light bulb? This is the question that came to mind this week as I sat in the gloom of the office, straining my eyes while doing the VAT return.
I’ve heard the answer for lawyers (as many as you can pay for), psychiatrists (one, but the light bulb really has to want to change) and even IT help-desk advisers (none – it’s a hardware problem). As for hill farmers, we’re still waiting to find out.
Sources close to Jake have suggested to me that I am sometimes a little hard on him for his disinterest in carrying out his own repairs and maintenance. This is a fair point – it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and it certainly isn’t mine.
It’s just that he comes from a long line of agricultural engineers (about 200 years) and you might have thought he would have some genetic predisposition for mending things. There is a valuable lesson here for punters everywhere – if you want an indicator of ability and performance, forget the pedigree, it’s form on the track that counts.
Archie has also been contemplating great matters recently. I noticed in his RE homework that he had been allocated 10 to 15 minutes to answer the question: “What is the meaning of life?” I think 15 years would have been more fair. Hats off to Arch though, he went down the philosophical route and came up with about four or five points. No model answer was supplied. I wondered whether this was really part of the curriculum for year six or whether his teacher was just having a bit of a mid-life crisis.
Half term included a very enjoyable weekend with some farming friends near Lincoln. This is a place where pumpkins appear to grow like weeds. Back at home, only the weeds were growing like weeds. Our one pumpkin was killed by the frost, having reached the size of a golf ball.
I was telling the children that we rarely saw pumpkins when I was little and suggested we try to make turnip lanterns for Halloween instead. They looked at me as if I was aged about 143. We did get around to trying, but with little success owing to an absence of any heavy-duty cutting gear.
In the past few days, it’s turned wintry. Predictably, this resulted in our best Blue-headed Leicester tup achieving its ultimate purpose by petering out days before it was due to go out to the ewes. Jake has managed to source some last-minute replacements and I’m standing by with hot-water bottles to keep them going.
We will be keeping a few woolly heifers outside in the winter, but most of the cows will be coming into the shed soon. They are already queuing up at the gate to be let in. However, the fodder situation is tight, so we’re trying to delay indoor housing for a little longer. We do not need another bad winter.
Bearing this in mind, it was slightly disconcerting to see that the Cheviot Hills were white one recent morning. We were going to my sister Sarah’s house for lunch and it is not a drive for the faint-hearted in bad weather.
Sarah and Stuart farm 4000 acres adjoining the Cheviots and their location makes ours look suburban. We are only two cattle grids away from a main road and we do have mains electricity. In contrast, Sarah and Stuart live six cattle grids uphill from any sort of public road and they have a wind/solar-battery combo. Fortunately, their ski-doo was not required at the weekend.
Judging by the deterioration in the weather and the busy car parks in Newcastle, it is clear that we are now in the thick of Christmas shopping season. This is not something that all farming types enjoy, and while some spouses are tremendous at present giving (Jake included), I feel it might be a public service to give a few tips for farmers to consider when buying a present for their beloved:
Things to avoid –
• Anything bought at a garage or any other emporium that is open on Christmas Day
• Anything you hope you can get the VAT back on
• Anything you think you can put on the farm bill
• Anything practical – particularly in the early stages of a relationship
• Anything that represents your innermost desire rather than theirs, eg. power tools
• Clothing. Getting the size wrong can be problematic and, in some cases, getting the size right can be problematic. You may also find that your tastes differ wildly.
Things to bear in mind –
• Most women just want to know that you’ve put a bit of thought into it
• Jewellery often works
• Always keep the receipt.