Farmer Frank is at it again

FW’s resident Agony Uncle Farmer Frank has ruffled a few feathers since he began dispensing his homespun wisdom. After all, he’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. For this special guest-edited issue, he’s turned his attention to farmworker-related issues

I’m frustrated with working in this country and am tempted to emigrate to the Far East – what do you think?

Don’t do it. Norfolk’s a cold and flat and miserable county.

I work for a man with a title. How should I refer to him?

If he’s a Duke, you could call him “His Grace”. If he’s been Knighted, you should prefix his first name with the word “Sir”. Or you could just cover your bets and call him: “That posh git in the tweed”.

I am going to the boss’s house for dinner next week. Any tips on how to approach it?

Avoid the B2006. There’s bad roadworks on it.

I work on a large potato farm in a dry area and we have a sandwich student who is 22 and very pretty. I am very shy, so can you suggest a good line to ask her out?

Ask her if she wants to see your irrigation equipment.

What do you think of getting in a tied cottage situation?

I found myself in a tied position once. I’m all for new experiences, but that woman was something else, I tell you.

What would you say I need to become a tractor driver?

A tractor would be a good start.

I‘m keen to gain extra qualifications by study – would you recommend correspondence course or day release?

My mate, Charlie, speaks very highly of day release. There again, he’s talking about day release from a secure unit.

I’m thinking of taking on a new farmworker and have been working out what pay and fringe benefits we’ll be offering. At what stage should I outline the package?

I once took a young lady on and revealed the package at the interview. She screamed.

I’m a foreman and try to give summer students a fair cross-section of the work so they get a range of experience. Any guidelines on how I approach this?

Yes, stick them in the drier for nine weeks, then let them drive the tractor back to the workshop on their last day.

I was given a Land Rover when I started this job, but this boss now has taken it back for his Mrs. Do I have any right of redress?

This is an interesting conundrum which takes us into areas of employment legislation, case law and local custom. But never mind all that old baloney, I’d just let his tyres down.

My wife seems to spend an awful lot of time with the gamekeeper. Should I be worried?

Relax. She’s probably only looking at his cock pheasants.

How long would I need to keep at it to get a long-service award?

These days, 10 minutes is an achievement for me.

• To read more of Farmer Frank’s ramblings, see our website at www.fwi.co.uk/frank