Farmer Frank’s no-nonsense (well, not much nonsense) advice

Meet our agony uncle with a difference, Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there – but he offers no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies

Will you be taking part in Open Farm Sunday?

  • This is a great initiative, affording farmers the chance to welcome the public on to their land and communicate key messages in a bid to bridge the urban rural divide. That said, I’m damned if I want hordes of nasty townies swarming over the place, so No.

I’m worried about doing my SFP forms. It’s so bad that I can’t sleep anymore. Help.

  • Try reading the guidance notes. You’ll be asleep in no time.

I’ve had a terrible spraying season and had no end of problems with my nozzles.

  • I know the feeling.

Were you sad to hear about the demise of the Royal?

  • What, the Queen’s dead? No one ever tells me anything.

A friend of mine has incredibly bad breath. How can I broach this with him?

  • It’s probably a sensitive subject, so be gentle. But there again, it might be quicker to just tell the guy he could fell a horse at 20 paces and leave some mouthwash in the tractor.

One of our staff is threatening to sue us for wrongful dismissal. Any advice?

  • I suggest you sit down and have an honest, open and calm exchange of views in an attempt to head off a stressful and potentially expensive legal conflict. Either that, or you could just tell them that if they’re not off the farm in an hour, you’ll set the dogs on them.

How can I cure my phobia of social situations?

  • Reassure yourself that everyone is in the same boat. Other than the overwhelming majority of people who aren’t, that is, and who are perfectly comfortable and probably laughing at you – the shy freak in the corner.

I’m really interested in politics, but nervous about voting. The last time I tried, I inadvertently spoiled the election paper.

  • I did the same at the last election. Knew I shouldn’t have had that last pint.

How can I drop a jeans size in a week?

  • My solicitor has advised me not to answer that. Last time I told a lady how to drop her jeans I was cautioned.

Is it dangerous to use a mobile?

  • Depends what you use it for.

What do you think of Hilary Benn?

  • Never met her myself. But if she’s anything like Hillary Clinton I wouldn’t mind lobbying her.

How often should you go to the dentists?

  • It’s vital to go regularly. I’ve been regular as clockwork – once every 20 years, all my life. The hygienist said I nice molars. She didn’t have bad crowns herself.

Click here to read more of Farmer Frank’s musings