Farmer Frank tackles some big questions
Farmer Frank’s back. After a brief absence from Farmers Weekly (a bad back and a bit of bother ‘downstairs’ kept him out of action) our agony uncle is once again back in business, dispensing homespun rural wisdom on a host of matters.
Q I’m going to my first farm auction next week. Is there any special etiquette I should observe?
A If you want to buy something, set yourself an upper limit of what you’re prepared to bid to and stick to it. Beware the lesson of what happened to my friend Arthur – he got carried away and spent £2000 more than he intended to on a tractor. And then there’s my mate Bill who’s got a bad twitch and came home from an auction with 200 Limousin cattle and a goat. And he’s not even a farmer.
Q Is there any truth in the expression “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”?
A No. The best way to keep the doctor away is through a policy of self-denial and religiously refusing to address any medical matters.
Q I read that “dressing up” can spice your bedroom life. Would you recommend this?
A Me and the missus tried it once. Trouble was, the only outfit I had to hand was my spraying stuff and the mask got a bit steamed up. The lance on the knapsack sprayer nearly had her eye out, too.
Q I get all these acronyms for farming organisations muddled up. What’s the difference between EFRA and DEFRA, for example?
A The letter D. D for Dunce, some might say!
Q What do you think of the ACCS?
A I’ve never been a fan of heavy metal music myself.
Q None of my staff on the farm get on. What can I do about these personality clashes?
A You should nip this in the bud, as it can be very destructive. I’ve been in a similar situation myself. The first farm I worked on they all hated me. And the second. And the third, come to think of it. You could sit down and address their issues one by one in a bid to foster harmonious working practices. Or you could just threaten to sack the lot of them.
Q Help – my pickled onions have gone a funny colour and shrivelled up.
A I know the feeling.
Q I’ve spent the past 12 years painstakingly writing my autobiography. How can I get it published?
A I wouldn’t bother, because what you’ve written is probably rubbish. I’m going to pen my autobiography when I’m old – it’ll be a bodice-ripping tale of intrigue and adventure. And early lambing. I’m convinced it could end up being turned into a film with George Clooney as the young me and Sean Connery as the more mature me.
Q I am recovering from a serious illness and have been told acquiring a pet would help my convalescence. Is this true?
A It’s been scientifically proven that animals de-stress you. The sound of a cat purring is relaxing. Walking a dog will give you steady exercise. Make it a rabbit and you can eat it when it snuffs it, too.
Q Any suggestions as to the ideal meat to form the centrepiece of a Balti curry I’m planning to cook?
A See my answer to the previous question.
Q My girlfriend has dumped me and I miss her. How can I persuade her to take me back?
A Convince her of your good points. Write to her – honestly explaining how you feel.
If that doesn’t work, beg. And if that fails, try blackmail.
Q A neighbour has an apple tree, the branches of which hang over our garden. Every autumn we ask if we can have a few apples but he steadfastly refuses. What is the legal position?
A This is a difficult and complicated subject. Interpretations of the law vary. I suggest you send a small child up there under the cloak of darkness with a bucket. You could get him/her to sweep your chimney while you’re at it.
Q I’m considering emigrating to farm in France. Should I?
A There are lots of advantages – like the way the public are more supportive of their farmers and the food culture. There are some disadvantages, however, including the language barrier. And the people. They’re all French.
Q Our farmhouse abuts another and rainwater runs off his flashings on to our roof, as his gutters are blocked.
A I once had a problem with my neighour’s flashings. The filthy devil.
Q I have started finding evidence of sexual congress on my allotment every Sunday morning. How should I tackle this?
A You could start by remembering to always pick vegetables on a Saturday.
Q Times are hard and I fear I might have to make redundancies on the farm. I particularly don’t want to let my loyal farm secretary go.
A I had to let my farm secretary go once. There again, she was about to knee me in the groin, as I had her pinned against the filing cabinet at the time.
Q What do you think about Mr Benn?
A I never watched it.
Q My girlfriend says I’m scruffy and should take more of a pride in my appearance. Should I listen?
A It’s important to dress stylishly. Take all my jackets, for example, they’re made to measure. Made to measure other people, obviously, but they’re not a bad fit.
Q I’ve just signed up for a dating agency, but work all hours as a pigman, so all I had to put under the section marked “hobbies” was, er, pigs. Will this hamper my chances of meeting someone?
A Not if you’re looking to meet a woman who works on a pig farm.
Q I’m terrified – I work for a grain merchant and kissed a colleague at our Christmas party.
A I once kissed someone at my work party. Rather worryingly, I was the only person working on the farm at the time. Just me and 10,000 broiler chickens. She had very piercing eyes if I remember rightly. But a very sharp beak.
Q I have been reading about this year’s Oxford Farming Conference – would you recommend I attend next year?
A Oxford is a great place to network. Sadly, I’ve been barred. That incident in the refectory was nothing to do with me. Someone must have let a dog in.
Q Any observations on the situation in the Middle East?
A Yields around the Thetford area seem to be fine. Once you get out to the far east – Yarmouth – it seems more problematic.
Q My boiler has packed up.
A I know the feeling.
