Flindt on Friday: Failure to pass Defra marshmallow test

Back in the early 1970s, psychologists did some tests on children that became known as the Stanford marshmallow experiments.

The basic idea was very simple: they offered some nursery school children a delicious treat – but told them that if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two.

The technical term for what these boffins were studying is “delayed gratification”.

See also: Read more from Charlie Flindt

I’ve often wondered what the children would have thought if they’d realised they weren’t just being showered with treats, and that they were in fact part of a scientific study.

Well, after an evening webinar organised by the TFA, I now know.

When news of the Agriculture Act hit the farming press all those months ago, there was an intriguing section about cashing in the tapering-off subsidy payments in one big lump.

Farmhouse tables were suddenly alive with the sound of envelopes being scribbled on and calculator buttons being punched.

What a brilliant idea for near-retirement farmers with no pension and tenant farmers with nowhere to go – and even better for the next mad-keen generation, desperate for acres.

And those of use planning to stay on were doing the sums too. (Yes, you all did – own up.)

Barn chance

We’ve got tatty barns and sheds that serve little purpose here, but a landlord with a resolutely shut chequebook.

In recent years I’ve had enquiries about them from a brewer, a dance/Pilates teacher, someone who runs photography courses for yummy mummies, and a one-man engineering company who services and maintains Wankel rotary engines for track racing. Yes, really.

That bank-loan-free lump sum would be perfect to set about the barns. The official blurb talked of “investment” and “future-proofing” the farm.

There were warnings, though. No way would it be anywhere near the cumulative total of the tapered-off payments. It was, effectively, just the one marshmallow. Still tempting, though.

But more recent rumours suggested there has been a change of emphasis for the lump sum idea: “retiring from the industry” has now become a prerequisite. It has all become a bit confusing.

Lump it

The TFA webinar was the perfect place to electronically collar a senior Defra wonk – there should have been two, but the second wonk, with delicious irony, failed to solve technical issues and never made it – and get to the truth.

It turned out that a whole host of farmers wanted to know the same answers: will it be a brilliant “investment” lump, and how much would it be?

The Defra wonk let us all down gently: in case we hadn’t noticed, the Treasury is a bit busy at the moment, not to mention “skint”, and the lump will be much reduced and, yes, only be for “retirement”.

And anyway (he pointed out with slight authoritarian chill in his voice), how can Defra fine farmers for future cross-compliance breaches if they’ve had all their payments?

Why, it’s almost as if the freedom of taking the investment sum was never an option in the first place.

I couldn’t help feeling we’ve all been part of a marshmallow experiment – and it turns out that we are all into instant gratification.

Not to worry; we’ll make do with – and be grateful for – the long-term two marshmallows. Daily panic from the wheat markets suggests that commodity farming will be back in fashion soon anyway.

I said a sad farewell to my visions of a daily routine of sampling beer, helping yummy mummies with their apertures, playing the piano in the dance studio and discussing ceramic apex seals.

Probably for the best, though; I’d hardly have time to climb into my tractor.