Will’s World: 8 predictions for farming in 30 years’ time

I made my annual trip to the Oxford Farming Conference recently, and as ever, thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

It was lovely to catch up with friends, old and new, and I came away feeling both inspired and energised for the year ahead.

See also: Low-carbon fertiliser: What products are in the pipeline?

Great debate

The highlight of the trip was the debate, which takes part in the wonderfully atmospheric and historic Oxford Union. I’ve been to several over the years, but this was one of the best.

All four speakers entered into it with great gusto, proposing and opposing the motion “This house believes that in the next 90 years, farming will be a one-day-a-week job”.

Delegates laughed uproariously several times at the convincing and highly entertaining arguments.

On the drive home the next day, I mulled over some of the predictions I had heard and tried unsuccessfully to come up with my own.

I think the timeframe is too long for me to visualise, and I’m woefully bad at predicting the future anyway, as my annual financial losses at the local point-to-point attest.

Farming like it’s 2056

Not to be deterred, I compromised by bringing it back a few decades.

Channelling my inner Mystic Meg, I conjured up an ever-so-serious vision of UK agriculture and wider society as it might look in the year 2056.

1.  Miraculously, the present Mrs Evans hasn’t smothered me with a pillow yet. I’m turning 78 and I am crotchety beyond measure. 

I’m still considered a wet-behind-the-ears whippersnapper in the industry, though, as the average age of a farmer is now 103.

2. We’re still being told an effective Bovine TB vaccine is five years away.

Hedgehogs and ground-nesting birds are long-since extinct, but the cryogenically frozen corpse of Brian May is still being regularly wheeled out to argue that it’s definitely, categorically, 100% not because of badgers.

3. A pint of beer is now £28 in Wetherspoons, and £35 anywhere else.

4. The average length of a farm business tenancy is two months, but the nation’s landlords and agents believe this is too generous and are trying to get it down to a far more reasonable six weeks.

5. It’s reported that a Suffolk farmer has been heavily fined for illegally trying to repair his own tractor.

A fleet of the manufacturer’s attack drones arrived just in time, surrounding him until a corporation-approved humanoid arrived with the genuine parts and appropriately compliant attitude.

6. Tesco, on the back of record-breaking £900tr profits the previous year, opens its first store on Mars.

They’re still selling milk for £1.05/litre and expecting their farmer suppliers to be grateful for the wonderful opportunity they’re providing, the loveable rascals.

7. Middle-aged male farming social media influencers now control the industry with an iron fist.

Dissent towards them or their entourages is forbidden on pain of being forced to watch them ranting into a camera on a daily basis.

Human rights lawyers are fighting this particularly barbaric form of punishment in the courts.

8. Sex scandal-hit prime minister Andrew Meredith returns from his latest trip to Trumpland (formerly known as the USA) where he met with King Barron Trump to discuss a new trade deal.

Progress stalled, however, when talk turned to market access for world-leading British wines and King Barron threatened to invade the Isle of Wight.

I was tempted to add “Wales are Rugby World Cup champions” to the list, but there’s a limit to where even my wild imagination will go.