Will’s World: Cold Coffey comments leave a bitter taste
Will Evans © Richard Stanton What is the collective noun for a group of politicians? A dishonesty? A mediocrity? A disappointment? A shower?
Or perhaps that’s just what I need after being exposed to so many of them at the NFU Conference in Birmingham over the past few days.
As I write this in a bustling New Street Station while waiting for a train (and keeping an eye out for lost-looking tweed-jacketed farmers who need rescuing), I’m still reeling from Defra minister Therese Coffey’s frankly extraordinary keynote address. More on that shortly.
See also: Editor’s view: Car-crash Coffey contrasts with slick Starmer
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The conference started with a short video from Rishi Sunak, a man slipperier than an eel that’s been dipped in K-Y Jelly, telling us how much he loves farmers.
“I once rolled up my sleeves and did the early morning milking in Wensleydale,” he enthused in jolly hockey sticks fashion.
I can only speculate as to whether he swapped his £500 Prada loafers for a pair of wellies for the job, but I suspect not.
Bear with me
Next was farming minister Mark Spencer, who bounded on to the stage like a big, affable bear.
So much so, in fact, that I half expected him to launch into a rendition of The Bare Necessities (“Forget about your worries and your strife”) and was disappointed when he didn’t.
Still, there were moments of light relief, such as the guffaws of laughter when he claimed that “the benefit of Brexit is that we’re in control of our borders”.
These moments were shoehorned in among the approximately 100 times he told us that he’s a farmer.
I honestly thought he might produce a megaphone at one point and bellow: “I am a farmer! I’m just like you! Be my friend!”
Next up was prime-minister-in-waiting Keir Starmer, who also apparently loves farmers. Rural communities are “in my DNA”, he claimed.
His first job, he informed us, was on a farm, picking stones from fields “for about 50p/day” (which was about 50p/day more than I ever got, by the way).
His speech was impressive overall, with a refreshing lack of the culture war nonsense that’s become so standard for conservative MPs over the past decade, and a big emphasis on respect.
He stated that he’ll aim to improve our trading relationship with the EU, highlighted the tenanted sector as a priority, and committed that under a Labour government at least 50% of all food procured by the public sector will be British.
So far, so good. On the downside, though, his responses to questions on TB policy and right to roam were slightly mealy mouthed.
But he did affirm that he wanted to work with farmers in both these areas, so we’ll see.
Fuss and nonsense
Therese Coffey (left) and Minette Batters © NFU
Then came the main event – and what will surely go down as one of the most remarkably rude and patronising performances by a secretary of state in recent times.
Coffey’s speech itself was passable, with warm words and the usual platitudes; it was in her answers to questions where she failed spectacularly.
There was audible astonishment from delegates when she claimed that she hasn’t seen any “market failures in the poultry industry”, instead blaming people who spoke out about shortages and “caused a fuss”.
Next she abruptly cut off Minette Batters to take another question, blustering: “I could talk about food security for ages but it’s not my fault if the NFU Conference doesn’t run on time.”
All this before touching briefly on vegetable shortages and stating that she “can’t control the weather in Spain”.
As always with this government, if you didn’t laugh, you’d cry.