2022: Paul Cobb’s irreverent guide to the future of farming
© Adobe Stock/MAG As you will probably be reading this on New Year’s Eve, I thought I’d dust off my crystal ball and have a look into the year ahead…
Following the runaway success of his TV series Clarkson’s Farm, Jeremy Clarkson refuses an MBE in the New Year’s honours list, while Amazon starts putting inflatable Clarkson “vegan scarers” in every box delivered to a farm address.
See also: Sentiment Survey – how farmers felt about 2021
Police in Norfolk swoop on a “county lines” gang selling sachets of Nitram for £500 each.
Glyphosate is banned in the UK and new environment secretary Priti Patel tells farmers to “get over it, snowflakes”.
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The ban on live animal exports is reversed after French restaurant owners blockade Calais, protesting that their customers can no longer point to an animal tethered outside and say which cut they want to be eating in five minutes’ time.
With the launch of the Sustainable Farming Incentive (SFI) 2022, Defra brings out a 360-page booklet explaining the differences from the 2021 SFI pilot scheme, and invites farmers to guess how the 2022 scheme will differ from the final SFI when it comes out in 2024.
A Harper Adams student denies responsibility when a robot tractor from its Hands Free Hectare project is found ploughing up George Eustice’s lawn.
Glyphosate is banned in the UK and new environment secretary Priti Patel tells farmers to “get over it, snowflakes”.
To encourage the buying of electric vehicles in the UK, the M1 is turned into a dodgems track.
A petrol tanker being driven by a Yorkshire farmer caught up in a blockade by climate change protesters is found to be carrying glyphosate. The farmer can’t remember where he put the petrol.
Fly-tipping reaches new heights when an old cabinet is found dumped in a Warwickshire farm gateway. The new cabinet, meeting at 10 Downing Street, is unaware that its turn may be next.
In Brexit news, the government expands the seasonal workers scheme by 50, and gives them all HGV driver and abattoir worker licences when they arrive.
A French trawler is found fishing in the Thames. Trade deals are announced with San Marino, Kazakhstan and the Solomon Islands.
New variants of Covid-19 continue to emerge, and the government is forced to make wearing of masks outdoors compulsory.
Exemptions include politicians, farmers working more than a mile away from anyone else, and those people we all know who just can’t be bothered.
Defra halts the phase-out of the Basic Payment Scheme after it is discovered that the whole Environmental Land Management scheme was created by an intern playing Fortnite on the RPA computer.
Boris Johnson calls a snap election and campaigns on a platform of defeating Covid, reversing climate change, cheap food and energy supplies and ending labour shortages.
He wins a one-seat majority after many recounts. Labour leader [insert name here] sends a text to Boris saying “best of luck, mate”.
In sport, England go out in the group stages of the World Cup, playing in a group with San Marino, Kazakhstan and the Solomon Islands.
After a warm/cold February, a cold/warm, dry/wet spring is followed by a cool/hot, wet/dry summer. A warm/cold, dry/wet September is followed by the coldest/warmest winter ever (my crystal ball isn’t that good.)
A village in Yorkshire is destroyed in a mystery petrol explosion.
Remember, you read it here first. Happy New Year to you all, and all the best for 2022.