Farming ‘horror-scopes’ for 2010

Widely known for his crystal balls, FW’s Tim Relf draws up a 2010 horoscope. Or should that be a horror-scope

Aries 21 March-20 April

A tall, dark stranger will appear in the early summer (possibly the farm assurance inspector) and a man will come from the east bearing gifts (beware, he may well be a tractor rep from East Anglia). A new figure will become important. He is a special one. A chosen one with great powers. The bank manager. He will complain about your overdraft and speak in strange tongues. Show him your cashflows. Be calm and complimentary about his gleaming new Mercedes E-Class and don’t mention bankers’ bonuses.

Taurus 21 April-21 May

The sheep will escape on 6 May, which won’t be that much of a surprise, seeing as they escape most days. Some sheep will also die on the 12 June (again, what’s new?). Cut loose and be unencumbered by convention. Take your shirt off and wear shorts. Beware sunburn, though. And watch out for mice running up your legs in the harvest fields. Feed wheat will hit £150/t on 21 June – two days after you sold it all forward for £100/t.

Gemini 22 May-21 June

Your split personality will be more evident that ever. Both of you may decide to open a farm shop. But you also lose concentration early so you’ll both forget to staff it some days. Two tax returns will arrive accompanied by two demands for £10,000. Business will not be helped by the new lady vicar tripping on a loose tile and landing on an upturned courgette. Your border collie will bite the postman on a tender part of his anatomy in May, causing some conflict in his Uranus zone.

Cancer 22 June-22 July

A strange alignment of the planets will cause the cat to be sick on the hall rug and you may see things in a new way (that’ll be those new glasses). The wheels will come off a project – and a tractor. It’ll rain hard each time you get the combine out. September will be a time of conflict, with the shepherd demanding a pay rise. A young person will come into your life in July. His enthusiasm will be great but his abilities small. He will break all around him. There will be a gnashing of teeth and a wailing in the morning. Yes, the harvest student has arrived.

Leo 23 July-23 August

2010 will be a good year to tidy you life and conduct a “life laundry”. You might as well make a start on the yard while you’re at it, too. Whether it’s relationships, your career or just getting on with some of that paperwork you’ve been putting off, it’ll be a time to buckle down and complete jobs. You’ll fall out with a relative over who gets to drive the combine and who has to spend nights in the drier. There’ll be a gale on 14 March, but you’ll have bad wind for most of that month. A much longed-for envelope will arrive from the RPA. It will contain two five-drachma pieces and a half-eaten pork pie.

Virgo 24 August-22 September

This could be a year of change. There could be a general election. Whoever wins, someone who knows nothing about farming will become DEFRA secretary. You’ll have a good lambing in March, but sleep will be in short supply. You will be confronted by the past in June – yes, it’s eldest son, back from Harper. He’ll have an unpleasant surprise – a carload of washing.

Libra 23 September-23 October

A career move will be on the horizon in March, as will a bad case of indigestion. You’ll travel to somewhere exotic – Derby, possibly, to collect a new pick-up. Though naturally you dislike conflict, you’ll lose your temper with the RPA and threaten to do something unsavoury to the gentleman on the other end of the helpline involving a length of hydraulic pipe, a leek and a tub of Swarfega.

Scorpio 24 October-22 November

This is a water sign. Ironic, really, because one of your pipes will burst. A pipe in the barn, that is, rather than anything unsavoury and medical. Your sexual side will manifest itself in April. You’ll bump into an old flame at a summer show, who will want to romance you. Remember at such times to keep your assets safe. Otherwise your Venus may fall out of alignment.

Sagittarius 23 November-21 December

A lunar eclipse means you’ll get caught between two friends. Avoid being put in this position. Avoid the scampi in a basket in The Three Kings, too. Your outgoing personality will shine – as will the bald patch on your head from working outside. You’ll win something. Don’t get excited, though, it’s more likely to be a tenner on the lottery than a million. You’ll find yourself bored.

Capricorn 22 December-20 January

Capricorns can also at times lack confidence so try to be positive. You can tell yourself it’ll be a record year for yields and prices (it obviously won’t, but you can tell yourself that). You’ll get stuck in traffic at one of the shows and find you need to dash into a hedge in a lay-by. A hedge trimmer at work – or possily an angry wasp – could cause a nasty curtailment of your ambition.

Aquarius 21 January-18 February

It will be a year of 12 months for you. Your adventurous nature will mean you’ll be tempted to try the guest beer in your local, the consequences of which may be evident for at least three days. And prompt an unscheduled visit from the septic-tank man. Born under the sign of the ram, it could be a good year for your sheep. Fire is the element with which Aries is associated, meaning your chimney could get blocked. This will be painful.

Pisces 19 February-20 March

It’ll be a year of surprises, bringing a new arrival. A baby in the family? Or maybe a new ferret? Either could well smell, although only one will probably be a biter. November will be a difficult month. Wear thermal pants, as you’ll feel cold in your soul. Individuality is a key buzz word with this sign, so resist any temptation to share your machinery with your neighbour. An opportunity will present itself in August – a developer wanting to build houses on your land, possibly?