Farmer Frank – the agony uncle

Meet our fictional therapist Farmer Frank. He’s not qualified, not experienced and, according to some, not all there. But every month he dispenses no-nonsense (OK, not entirely nonsense) rural remedies on matters of health, of the heart and of hard cash

Q What would you do if you had shingles?
A Tarmac it over.

Q My neighbour has a leylandii tree which is stopping any sunlight reaching our living room.
A You may have some legal redress, in accordance with the “right of light” – an ancient principle established in case law. But it’s probably easier to wait until he’s next away on holiday, cut it down and claim it was a storm.

Q I’m terrified of flying and it means my husband and I can’t take the holiday of a lifetime we’ve always promised ourselves to New Zealand.
A Think positively. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Other than the plane developing a mechanical problem 30,000ft over the Pacific, of course, and every passenger on board plunging to their death.

Q I find it hard meeting people. What do you recommend?
A Internet dating. You can meet some right filthy sorts. So I’ve heard…

Q I had a drunken snog with my girlfriend’s 21-year-old sister and now I can’t stop thinking about her.
A I wouldn’t be able to either!

Q What would make a nice Mother’s Day gift?
A A new iron.

Q I have young grandchildren and find answering some of their questions difficult. Any tips?
A It’s a tough one. My grandkids are forever asking me: Grandpa, why did Grandma leave you? I usually tell the little blighters to go to their rooms and stop being so nosy.

Q My new girlfriend hates cats. Does this make us incompatible?
A No. Unless you run a cattery.

Q Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
A No, NHS cuts keep the doctor away. I should know, my old trouble’s playing up again.

Q I’ve heard it said that watching adult films can spice up your sex life. Is this true?
A The missus and me tried it once and it certainly didn’t work for us. There again, the only video we had was The Best of The Antiques Roadshow.

Ever wanted to talk to an agony uncle? If so, send your question to Farmer Frank …