Opinion: Lamma pilgrims worship kit they can’t afford
© Jonathan Page
According to the Lonely Planet Guide to Lamma: Agriculture is a primitive, little-known religion with fewer than 100,000 followers in the British Isles.
Each year its worshippers undertake a long pilgrimage to the religious festival of Lamma. The festival lasts for two days starting on the third Wednesday of the Gregorian calendar.
The phrase “Lamma” is derived from Anglo Saxon and roughly translates as “to look at things which one cannot afford”.
Attendance is a mandatory requirement for devout agriculturalists. Even farmers of wheat, a privileged and wealthy cabal who traditionally sleep between November and March, will break from their hibernation to attend.
The event is thought to have originated at the end of the 20th century in Lincolnshire, but at some later point moved to the holy city of Peterborough, causing much division at the time.
In the days leading up to Lamma, a procession of Land Rovers can be seen snaking slowly from all corners of the British Isles towards their destination.
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Matthew Naylor is the managing director of Naylor Flowers, a South Lincolnshire business that grows cut flowers and potatoes for supermarkets. Matthew is a Nuffield scholar.The precise location of Lamma is a closely-guarded secret – some farmers never complete the torturous journey and are seen driving around the roundabouts of Peterborough in a state of madness many months later.
It is stipulated that the mood of Lamma must be solemn and custom dictates that it is held on the coldest, greyest day of the year. The pilgrims, mostly grey-haired men of late middle-age, are required to wear woolen clothes in sombre shades of green and brown as physical expression of their malcontent and extreme joylessness.
Young men and women are only admitted if they disguise themselves in the clothing of a 60-year-old man. The most pious attendants of all are the pilgrims dressed in high-visibility jackets and rigger boots. They are known as the “Gold Coats”. These costumes are a symbol of their fervent devotedness; some also carry an empty carrier bag and wear a branded baseball cap.
The Lamma acts of worship are divided into two parts – “e-tin” and “luk-in”. “E-tin” involves animal sacrifice in the form of roasted hog preceded by an opening feast known as the “all-d’ai breakfast”. Pilgrims can consume as many as 5,000 calories and a gallon of instant coffee during their expedition. The coffee can be taken either too weak or too strong, but must be consumed while it is still at boiling point from a small, paper cup.
“Luk-in” is a slow trek around a series of individual shrines and stalls. Pilgrims shuffle along in groups of two or three, stopping occasionally for no apparent reason. Interesting conversation is forbidden; talk is restricted to wailing and moaning on the three hallowed subjects – weather, pheasants and wheat prices.
On spotting an implement, pilgrims must chant: “Ere, Mick, look at this welding, it looks like a pigeon’s done its business.” This must be followed by forced laughter.
The trek passes through the “Chamber of Money Lenders”, where pilgrims fall to their knees and beg for salvation. The stallholders lure in passing pilgrims with delicacies such as miniature Bounty bars from a tub of Celebrations and trinkets, such as pens that contain no ink.
The journey culminates at a giant temple honouring the ancient farming God of John Deere. Here pilgrims queue patiently, waiting to touch one of the sacred statues. A selected few are permitted to sit upon them. As a final act of reverence, many pilgrims hand over all their money.
According to folklore, a successful pilgrimage brings good luck during the coming year. In modern times, however, the poor fortune of farmers has seen this religion somewhat discredited.