Will’s World: A modern farmer’s guide to influencing people

It was just a few seconds after getting a face full of wheat chaff and rat shit that I began to question my life choices.

I’d done everything I could to keep them out of the combine this year, but one of the sneaky buggers had slipped through my defences and made a nest in a corner of the front elevator.

I’d then unwittingly found it with the business end of the pressure washer at close quarters. Oh, the joys.

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About the author

Will Evans

Farmers Weekly Opinion writer

Will Evans farms beef cattle and arable crops across 200ha near Wrexham in North Wales in partnership with his wife and parents.

Read more articles by Will Evans

So, as I spent the rest of the morning finishing the pre-harvest wash, my face looking like a modern-art canvas, I began to daydream about an easier life. A cleaner one. More polished. Glamorous.

Nothing else to do than mess about on my phone. Yes, I began to imagine myself as one of the new gods of agricultural society – the farming social media influencer.

Social bee

What kind would I be, I wondered? Perhaps I could build a massive following by ranting into a camera every day like one of the angry male egos that are so prevalent online.

I’d stoke petty grievances and cause as much division as I possibly could, voicing my expert opinion on everything from international trade to inheritance tax, and revelling in being told how marvellous I am by my legion of devoted and similarly angry followers.

Then again, no. I don’t have the energy for all that.

I can’t be a scantily clad shepherdess, for obvious biological reasons, plus my pale skin and dad-bod are hardly a recipe for success in that department. But wait, what if there’s a fetish for that sort of thing?

Is there a corner of OnlyFans devoted to middle-aged and slightly rotund farmers posing suggestively in Speedos and wellies, where paying subscribers hand over small fortunes just for their daily fix of photos?

I’m putting this one firmly on the possibles list.

Maybe I’ll go for being one of the cool hipster types, with mullet, shearing vest and a pair of those harlequin shorts they’re all wearing.

I’ll bedeck myself in the rest of the young farmer uniform too – boots made in Australia, gilet made in Germany, belt made in Argentina, jacket made in New Zealand – and I’ll make copious TikTok videos lecturing the public about the importance of buying British to support our farmers.

Free and easy

The main reason I want to break into the scene, though, is for the free stuff. Have you seen the kind of things influencers get given?

You can’t move for them doing promotional work with everything from clothing to machinery, and I’m desperate for a slice of that action.

First, Guinness, if you’re reading this, I’ve earned a VIP tour of the factory in Dublin, at the very least, for services rendered.

I sat on my sunglasses yesterday, so if anyone could send me a new pair to model that would be great. With grocery prices where they are, and numerous daughters to feed, I’ll also gratefully accept any kind of food product.

And Agco, we’ve been an exclusively Massey Ferguson family for close to 70 years, so it’s about time you recognised this by giving me free use of a tractor for a year.

I’m not greedy, though. Just a little old MF 9S.425 Dyna-VT will do, and I’ll be sure to share plenty of photos of me using it for my-soon-to-be massive number of Instagram followers.

Make it 18 months, and I’ll place it strategically in the background for the OnlyFans shoots. Seriously, lads, let’s talk.