Will’s World: What if Zeichner and Reed came to help on our farm?
© Richard Stanton I’ve been particularly enjoying the videos that shadow justice secretary and wannabe Tory leader Robert Jenrick (patience Bob, you’ll all get a go soon enough) has been posting online lately.
If you haven’t had the pleasure yet, he’s been buzzing round London with a camera crew, filming himself confronting fare-dodgers on the Tube to highlight what he says is lawlessness in the capital.
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“Sadiq Khan isn’t acting, so I did,” he boasted, looking into the camera with the kind of steely expression much favoured by the new breed of dude-bro pretend-alpha politicians from across the pond. A Pound Shop Pete Hegseth, if you will.
He even donned jeans and a checked shirt for it. He was clearly going for the “Rip Wheeler from Yellowstone” look, but I could only see “Woody the cowboy from Toy Story”, bless him.
Trussed up
I do love it when politicians take it upon themselves to indulge in this kind of weird cosplaying thing instead of doing their actual jobs.
Who can possibly forget the queen of the fancy-dress box, Liz Truss, and her fetish for uniforms?
Whenever I’m feeling a bit low, I look for that picture of her in a tank wearing a helmet and full military fatigues, and I’m immediately cheered up. (Insert joke about her “tanking” the economy here.)
Mind you, it’s not just the Tories, as Keir Starmer’s been seen a few times dressed head to toe in camo gear as he visits the troops.
I don’t blame him. I’d quite fancy disappearing into the background for a bit too, if I were him.
Can you imagine a less inspiring bloke to lead you into battle? “Fix bayonets and follow me, lads!” Dramatic eye rolls all round: “Nah, you’re alright mate.”
What’s next? Ed Miliband on the spanners installing solar panels for a week? Wes Streeting in scrubs carrying out hip-replacements on pensioners?
Angela Rayner in a hi-vis hoodie laying bricks for a new housing development? The mind boggles.
It did get me thinking about our two ministers, though – the not-so-dynamic Defra duo of Daniel Zeichner and Steve Reed, and what they could do for me on the farm.
Caped crusaders
I can picture it now. We’re short-staffed and under pressure. We’ve had a few breakdowns, everyone’s a bit stressed, rain’s forecast overnight, and we need to get the silage pit sheeted up before it comes in.
Then suddenly, running through the mist, appear those two, like an even crapper version of Del Boy and Rodney’s crap version of Batman and Robin from the Only Fools and Horses 1996 Christmas Special.
“We’re here to help!” they cry. “Marvellous,” I say. “Here’s some wellies and overalls. Grab a corner of that sheet and pull.”
We’d chat about their plans for the coming months, I’d explain a few things about the challenges facing farmers, and my old man would accidently-on-purpose land a few old tyres in front of them so they got covered in stinking, stagnant water. What fun!
Perhaps I’m being unfair, though. They both seem like decent blokes doing their best in challenging economic circumstances, and I certainly wouldn’t want their jobs.
I don’t have the patience for all the schmoozing for a start, let alone the rhino-like thick skin needed for dealing with all the criticism from farmers and the media, including two-bit columnists like me.
Having said that, politicians are mostly known for over-promising and under-delivering, aren’t they, so you could always ask the present Mrs Evans whether I fit into that category or not.
In fact, no, it’s probably best you don’t.