Archive Article: 2000/03/03
Spud –
the farm workshop fitter
SPUDS real name is Keith but hes long-since dispensed with that, preferring instead a one-word nickname.
Spuds toiled in the workshop since he was 16. He used to listen to Radio 1 but, as times passed, hes graduated to Radio 2. He smells of gearbox oil, welding fumes and Swarfega. The overalls – washed once a month, whether they need it or not – are partly responsible, as are his roll-your-owns.
The fags, according to the battered tin on the workbench, are made from a brand of tobacco that disappeared from the shops 10 years ago. But theyre probably more likely to be filled with something grown in his back garden and mixed 50:50 with sawdust. "Not marijuana," he insists, "more a sort of dock-leaf".
Spud, for all his lack of social graces, is brilliant at his job. He knows engines inside out and, given half an hour and a Phillips screwdriver, can convert a sugar beet drill into a buckrake. His three favourite tools (sledgehammer, club hammer, claw hammer – in that order) are used with vigour and enthusiasm. If delicate work is needed, he employs less hammering but more swearing. In anyone elses hands its a technique that would simply produce a lot of bent metal – but Spuds skill is knowing where to hit and how hard.
If he didnt have to work all hours in this place, in fact, hed have made it big. "I could have become some hot-shot engineer," he says. "Or an inventor, maybe."
Spud has a cocky, leg-pulling sense of humour. He enjoys nothing more than taking the mickey out of those less gifted than himself in the mechanical arts. He sucks his teeth when anyone brings in a broken machine to mend. Its usually the student that brings them in.
"Good job breakages arent deducted from your wages or youd end up owing us money," he says, smirking.
Shortly after 12.30pm each day he delves into Britains Dirtiest Tupperware for lunch. This consists of two slices of Mothers Pride filled with a mixture of substances not normally found together (other than at a student food-fight). Hes very particular though – pickled onions, Marmite, salad cream, corned beef and chocolate spread are popular choices, embellished with a gherkin or two if theres something to celebrate. Like the arrival of the new John Deere.
Spud isnt a great one for Health and Safety. In 1993 the boss pinned up a 30-page HSE safety guide above the bench. But a week later it was caught in a minor blaze when Spud used the oxyacetylene torch to revive a damp cigarette. The visiting environmental health officer made a few disparaging remarks about Spuds lunch box. Spud promised hed disinfect it monthly. "Nothing a little squirt of WD40 wont handle," he thought.