Farmer Frank’s Christmas wisdom

FW’s resident agony uncle Farmer Frank may not be qualified, experienced (or indeed all there, according to some) but he’s been dispensing some homespun rural remedies on festive queries

I fancy a local girl, and wonder if the festive season is a good opportunity to get a first kiss. Any tips?

Use the mistletoe. By “use it”, I mean prod her in the eye with it, then pounce while she’s temporarily blinded.

Is the goose having a renaissance?
Not ours. We ate it last year.

Have you had much pigeon damage this winter?
No, although I did get a nasty nip from a border terrier.

Any tips on how to stop a Christmas tree shedding its needles?
I haven’t had one up for years. But that’s another story

What shall I do – I hate reindeer?
I haven’t been overly impressed with this wet weather, either

I hear that some turkey orders will be unfulfilled this year
I’m certainly hoping to stuff a big old bird on the dining room table.

What will Mrs Farmer Frank be up to over Christmas this year?
See my answer to the above question.

Our sheep haven’t made any money this year. Any advice on saving money on presents?
Give fewer. And make them really cheap.

How should you respond when you unwrap an unwanted gift?
Smile graciously and say thank you. Then flog it quick.

My young daughters are desperate to see a reindeer. How can I make this dream come true?
Find a mail order meat business and order reindeer steaks. They might not look exactly how the kids were expecting them to look, but they’re delicious.

Any advice on how to avoid breaking New Year’s resolutions?
Set your standards low. One of mine is to not break the others until at least the third week of January.

My Christmas wish is that SFPs arrive on time in 2010 – is this likely?
I’ve heard of Christmas miracles – but come on, be realistic

My husband refuses to have decorations up. How can I persuade him?
Tell him you’ll let him handle the baulbels.

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