Dad’s Army’s take on the badger cull
The actor Clive Dunn may have passed away but the spirit of Dad’s Army lives on. And if it was set in Gloucestershire in 2012, it’d go a little something like this…
An animation shows bTB spreading across the UK from the south west of England as a familiar theme tune plays:
So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Badger?
If you think dairy farmers are done…
We are the boys who will stop your little game
We are the boys who will make you think again
Farmer Brown’s bTB reactors now number 21
He’s so angry that he’s ready with his gun
So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Badger?
If you think old England’s beef is done…
A group of late middle-aged men dressed in camouflaged combat fatigues with blackened faces and with twigs and leaves sown into their balaclavas gather in a church hall somewhere in the Forest of Dean.
Captain Paterson: Fall the men in, Sergeant Heath
Sergeant Heath: Would you mind terribly falling in, pleeease?
Paterson: (mutters) Typical Lib Dem.
Corporal Kendall: Fall in for the Captain, on the double!
Heath: (rolling his eyes skyward) Thank you, Kendall. The men are ready, sir.
Paterson: Now, men, you’ve all been in training for this badger cull. You’ve got your deerstalker level one certificate and…
Kendall: (interrupting) Permission to speak, sir?
Paterson: (irritated) Yes, Kendall, what is it?
Kendall: (suddenly brandishing his rifle) Those furry wurry badgers – they don’t like it up ’em, sir!
Paterson: (sighs) Yes, thank you, Corporal. Now, as you know we’ve had some intelligence chaps looking around the woods and assessing the strength of the enemy. The bad news is there are more badgers than we thought.
Kendall: (jumping out of line and swinging his rifle left and right) Don’t panic! Don’t panic! More badgers than we thought! Don’t panic!
Heath: All right, Kendall, let’s all try and keep calm, shall we?
Private Hilary Benn: (of boyish appearance and rounded National Health glasses) My mum said this badger cull was doomed from the start, Captain Paterson. She says it’s silly and we should be vaccinating them instead of shooting them. (He sticks his tongue out at Paterson.)
Paterson: Stupid boy!
Private May: Benn’s right. This whole operation is doomed, Paterson. Doomed, I say.
Heath: (in a patronising tone) You really must just try to calm down, May. And would you be so kind as to make sure you cut your hair before the next parade.
Paterson: Well, men, don’t allow a small thing like a doubling of the number of badgers to worry you. It’s alleged that we’ve already got the RSPCA, the BBC, 84% of the public, at least half of the scientific community and a bunch of fifth columnists within Natural England all working against us so what difference does it make having an extra few thousand badgers to kill?
Private Quinney: My sister Dolly’s very much looking forward to making me a lovely badger hair shaving brush.
Paterson: That’s the spirit, Quinney. (Then, “sotto voce” to his sergeant) Watch him, Heath, I think he could replace Kendall as corporal in a year or two.
Kendall: Permission to speak, sir.
Paterson: (wearily) What is it this time, Kendall?
Kendall: We don’t like it, sir. Sending us into battle with orders to kill 80% of an unknown quantity of badgers or else face legal action or fines.
Paterson: (sighs) Oh, very well. Fall out, men. Reassemble next June.
Stephen Carr runs an 800ha sheep, arable and beef farm on the South Downs near Eastbourne in partnership with his wife Fizz. One-third of the acreage is in conversion to organic status.
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