Paperwork galore for Andrew Freemantle

Over the last four weeks I have done a driver-awareness course because I was doing 66mph in a 60 zone, got stopped by VOSA on the way home from St Stithians Show in Cornwall, and fined £200 for not having my tachograph on.

I was also caught using my mobile while driving on the motorway, which was three points on my previously clean driving licence and a £60 fine (no excuses for that one though). I was ringing my mum to tell her my local pub had rung and wanted some more pork tenderloin and olde English sausages asap as they had run out.

At a Bristol food festival we were told off for not completing the diary properly in our catering trailers, because on the days we do not use it we should put in the diary that we do not use it. I have had to do a retrospective planning application on a shelter we built near our café two years ago. We have had a planning application approved by everyone concerned for an extension, except the conservation officer, so we are having to resubmit, to basically his design, which just seems wrong. Why should he be able to dictate what size playroom our kids should have?

Finally we have had our Freedom Food annual inspection. As usual the comment from the inspector was how fantastic the pigs were looking, but how poor our collection of paperwork was. The real gems we had to produce for him this time were a complaints log – a form for someone to fill in if they have a problem with smell from the pigs and so on. Well, in 15 years no one has ever complained, and every year our vet has to write us a letter saying it is OK for us to grind the piglets’ teeth. After all that I want to emigrate to France.

Andrew Freemantle